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Episode 1 - Broadcast 21/02/20

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Openers & closers

A bingo hall in Fife has defended its decision to continue playing after a pensioner collapsed during a game. Although they have conceded that pointing towards the incident and calling, “number 4, at death’s door,” may have been ill advised. (A similar joke to this was actually broadcast so I was on the right lines).

 

Cops pulled over a man on a Glasgow street after he was spotted walking a woman on a leash wearing a dog mask in broad daylight. The unidentified man was stopped on Cathcart Road, Glasgow, but managed to escape before being questioned. Police trying to trace the man, are now following a lead.

 

Victoria Beckham has blamed the coronavirus for dwindling sales at her fashion empire. However, the former Spice Girl is hopeful her new Spring Collection will put the company back on an even keel, as she will soon be releasing a new line in Facemasks. (Worryingly prescient in hindsight this one!)

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Sir David Jason will help fans avoid becoming a plonker by sharing his life lessons in a new book. Volume one focuses solely on his early life where he spent time in Scotland training on knolls with the Army and the Police. That’s, Only Hools and Forces, released next month. (If the Producers of I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue are reading, I am available anytime!)

 

Disney is launching a range of wedding dresses based on the designs of outfits worn by it’s on screen princesses. I thought this had been a thing in Scotland for years? I’ve been to loads ‘a weddings where the bride has worn Cinderella’s dress- come midnight it looks like rags and she’s missing a shoe. (A far better, less clunkily worded version of this joke was broadcast - close again, but still no cigar!)

 

Yes, this is the story that Prime Minister Boris Johnson’s chief adviser, Dominic Cummings has called for “misfits and weirdos” to apply for jobs in Downing Street. This has angered some people however, as when this Government were elected, they were hoping for real change.

 

The Scottish government is to support legislation to make period products available free of charge to all. Opponents to the proposal have described it as a classic 'bleeding-heart liberal' move, confirming they might not quite understand how the products are used.

 

Gas heating is to be eliminated from all Historic Environment Scotland (HES) buildings, including Edinburgh Castle, by 2032. HES will be bringing in a new employment policy in order to achieve this goal; from now on, they’ll only be employing das. (What did we say about Scottish dialect Michael!)

 
Episode 2 - Broadcast 28/02/20
 

Openers & closers

The owner of Cadbury’s, Mondelez International, is working on a milk-free Dairy Milk Bar. The product is expected to go on sale in the next few months, and in a hope to appeal to vegans, it will be called, bar.

 

The owner of Cadbury’s is working on a milk-free Dairy Milk chocolate block. The new version is set to still have the same iconic ‘glass and a half’ in every bar; so when you eat it, careful not to cut yourself.

 

Jeremy Clarkson has opened a farmshop - he’s been running a farm for the last year as part of a TV series being filmed by Amazon. The shop has been a surprise hit with young adults; however this could be down to the shop being run by a former, Top Gear grower. (I think I've tried this joke about 3 times since!)

 

A conductor has twice stopped an opera in Cardiff after mobile phones rang in the audience. He’s since said that if this were to happen for a third time, he’d have no choice but to stop the bus.

 

An MP has apologised after a video emerged of him exposing himself in a pub. Tory MP, James Grundy has said he was deeply sorry and that he wished he’d stayed home that night, instead of popping out.

 

A coachload of football fans were left stranded in Brighton after a premier league match, when both their bus drivers failed drug-driving tests and were arrested. It is expected to be a landmark case when it is brought to court, as it is the first instance that despite not actually driving anywhere, they will be done for speeding.

 

A former MI5 agent has revealed UK spooks relax by creating their own version of BBC show “Strictly.” Which they call “Secretly Come Dancing.” It was said to be popular with both men and women and was great for the team’s morale. As often after Charlie’s Foxtrot and Juliet’s Tango, there were a few Bravos and then Whiskey.   

 

An Australian cinephile was awarded a Guinness World Record after going to see 2018 film Bohemian Rhapsody 108 times. Although, after the 108th viewing they did admit to struggling to work out, is this the real-life, or is this just fantasy?

 

A hidden passage used by Royalty, Prime Ministers and MP’s has been uncovered in the Palace of Westminster, almost 170 years after builders bricked it up. The discovery was made by a parliamentary aide, whilst looking for Boris Johnson.

 

A study of rural France has revealed that 1 in 4 men and women never wash; and 3 in 4 men and women, falsify their answers to surveys.


Episode 3 - Broadcast 06/03/20


Openers & closers

A guitar owned by Beatle, George Harrison was valued at £400,000 on the Antiques Road Show. Its delighted owner is now taking it to auction to see how much it actually fetches, under Maxwell’s Silver Hammer. (Having now actually listened to the lyrics of the song, it is abundantly clear why this joke, or subsequent ones like it, will never make it on!)

 

Aquafresh is launching toothpaste flavoured with grapefruit, lemon, watermelon and cucumber in a bid to boost sales. The move has been welcomed by the Scottish government, as they are pleased that children will now get at least 2 of their 5 a day.

 

An investigation has claimed that Starbucks used child labour on farms supplying its coffee beans. Although the information received was written on one of the firms cups, so it is possible the labour came from Chile.

 

Budget airlines have cancelled hundreds of European flights as demand for travel drops amid fears about the spread of Coronavirus. One of the worst hit destinations is Milan in Northern Italy, or Lugano in Switzerland, for customers of Ryanair.

 

Researchers have announced that parrots, like humans, can make decisions based on probabilities. However, they did say that this research took some time, as it is far harder to flip a coin using a beak.

 

The Queen has told senior officials that Harry & Meghan would be welcomed back if ever they changed their minds. She’s even got Prince Phillip on standby, to pick them up from the airport.

 

The Government has warned that up to a fifth of the UK’s workforce may be off sick during the peak of a coronavirus epidemic. Although companies in England will be far better prepared, as this happens most Mondays after the National Team have won a fitbaw match. 

 

Now due to guidelines we must stress that Priti Patel has only been accused of being a bully or liar. Similar to that I myself have been accused of being a 39-year-old topical quiz show host from Glasgow.

 

Classic Books that would be BAD to learn lessons from:

Advice on how to look after your pet rabbit from ‘Of Mice and Men’

 

Des Clarke self-help book titles: 

All Clarke and No Bite

Heart of Clarkeness

Kicked in the Gorbals

 
Episode 4 - Broadcast 13/03/20
 

Openers & closers

Top Gear Live is set to return 6 years after being scrapped under former hosts Clarkson, Hammond & May. Tickets for the show have been selling well, although some purchasers from Govan have tried to get refunds, now they’ve been informed it’s a car show.

 

Scientists have claimed that eating fruit and drinking juice while pregnant could make your baby smarter. Although oranges and orange juice may prove to be an exception to that rule, following the study of an unnamed man in Washington.

 

Lettuce has been grown on board the International Space Station and NASA scientists say it's just as tasty - and as nutritious - as lettuce grown on Earth. One of their scientists is also really close to creating a ‘super lettuce’ that could feed millions. So, that’s one small step for a man, one giant leaf for mankind.

 

A blood-stained wedding dress, 30 self-portraits of the same man and a collection of tinned octopus are just some of the weird and creepy things donated to charity shops across the UK. Despite calls for people to donate more saleable goods, one shop in Windsor has recently received items, including travelling clothes, some barely used roll-on deodorant and a loyalty card for Pizza Express, Woking.

 

Education Scotland have spelt Argyll wrong in a report on literacy, referring to it as (Spell out) A r g y l e. The Department are now painstakingly checking the rest of the report, paying particular attention to the Moray village of Fochabers.

 

Warner Bros has been rebuked after an advert for horror movie IT Chapter Two, which included a killer clown talking and giggling, was played during a Spotify playlist of children's lullabies. Although the playlist had been marked as containing offensive material, as it included a version of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star performed by James Blunt.

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Episode 5 - Broadcast 20/03/20
 

Openers & closers

We are recording the show this week behind closed doors at the PQ studios in Glasgow. A venue that hasn’t been this bereft of people, since they staged An Audience with Piers Morgan.

 

We are recording the show this week behind closed doors at the PQ studios in Glasgow. A venue that is usually packed to the rafters, apart from when they recently held, An Evening with Gareth Southgate.

 

The number of couples divorcing on the grounds of adultery has fallen more than half in a decade. Whereas the number of adulterers not caught, has more than doubled.

 

A list has been published of some of the more unusual names Scottish parents gave their children last year. These included six girls named Greta, 41 Cillians and one girl called Excel. It was the father’s choice to name the girl Excel, as he said he’d been working away on the North Sea Oil Rigs, and something just didn’t add up. 

 

It was reported that the Dutch were panic buying Marijuana in Amsterdam as the cannabis cafés are closed down. Supermarkets in Holland have advised that stocks of toilet paper are fine, but they are desperately short of Rizla.

 

Daniel Radcliffe has blamed the role of Harry Potter for turning him into an alcoholic. This has come as a shock to a lot of parents, as they had no idea of the dangers associated with drinking Butterbeer. 

 

Mr Bercow is said to have erupted during one foreign trip after his toothpaste was taken away at the airport. Although this wasn’t a sure sign of the stress that Mr Bercow was under, it was definitely a Signal.

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Episode 6 - Broadcast 27/03/20
 

Openers & closers

Levels of toxic air has dropped in many cities around the world as vehicles and industry grind to a halt. However, levels are up in individual households as people are living on pasta and beans.

 

A woman from Cornwall claims to have saved her goldfish’s life using the Heimlich manoeuvre. Unfortunately, the goldfish got into further difficulty after eating the same food, 3 seconds later.

 

A woman from Cornwall claims to have saved her goldfish’s life using the Heimlich manoeuvre. The goldfish is now said to be fed up with the woman constantly carping on about saving it, every 3 seconds.

 

A driver has revealed his bum was burned by his car’s heated seat. Arseburn berk Technique, as they say in Germany.

 

Police Officers in Georgia wrangled a loose pig that had wandered into a resident’s garage, saying it had shown "an obvious lack of respect for both personal space and social distancing." The resident is unhappy that the police were called, and is now trying to find out who squealed. 

 

Harry & Meghan have been invited to appear as themselves and using their own voices for an episode of the Simpsons. Known for its wide ensemble of main and supporting dysfunctional characters, The Royal Family have often been approached to appear on TV.

 

Former Beautiful South members, Paul Heaton and Jacqui Abbot have announced they will play a free show for NHS staff working on the frontline of the coronavirus pandemic. Tickets will be available to those workers that have recovered from Coronavirus, on the assurances you keep it all in.

 

Premier League football club Watford have offered the use of their Vicarage Road stadium to help the NHS in their fight against the coronavirus pandemic. Although this has led to safety concerns by some, as the defences at the stadium have been questionable all season.

 

Kylie Minogue plans to launch her own range of wine later this year. She will initially be releasing a white and a red; I Chablis So Lucky and Better the Devil Merlot.

 

Yes, this is the news that agoraphobics have been practicing for for years, as the Prime Minister has asked people to stay at home in order to protect the NHS.

 

Celebrities have been keeping us entertained in their own unique ways. Jamie Oliver has come to the rescue with “Keep Cooking and Carry On,” whereas Scotland’s own Gordon Ramsay has told 500 of his staff to, “Stop Cooking and Get Out.”

 

With barbers and hair salons closed, many people will have to resort to cutting their own hair. But, at least you won’t have to talk about the weather, where you’re going on your holidays or have someone show you the back of your head and you tell them it looks good, even though you have no idea what you are looking at.

 

Parents across the country have been tasked with becoming instant home-schoolers. This is fine up to a point, but becomes a bit much when your da gives you detention for no gettin’ him a beer from the fridge.  

 

TV foodie, Gregg Wallace has revealed he’s never been disappointed in a KFC or a McDonald’s, but has been by Michelin-star haute cuisine. So a tip for anyone going on the next series of Master Chef, you might stand a better chance of winning if you serve your food in a bucket or a box.

 

A man on honeymoon in Mexico was bitten on the penis by a barracuda. Snake-like in appearance, with large, pointed heads, the barracuda can be found in tropical and subtropical oceans worldwide.

 
Episode 7 - Broadcast 03/04/20
 

Openers & closers

Picking up and handling newspapers during the Covid-19 outbreak is safe to do according to the World Health Organisation. However, it is highly recommended to wash your hands immediately after handling The Sun or Daily Mail.

 

McFly bandmates Harry Judd and Danny Jones have admitted the group had to break up to make up for their Blockbuster reunion. They have conceded however that had they reunited sooner, then they may have been able to play a bigger venue than a disused video store.

 

EasyJet has grounded its entire fleet of planes and said it cannot give a date for when they will restart. Which is still a better time estimate than most flights with Ryanair.

 

The Labour party has asked their leadership candidates to submit pre-recorded victory speeches, as coronavirus has cancelled the conference where the winner was due to be announced. Jeremy Corbyn has confirmed that he too has pre-recorded his speech, and that he posted the cassette off last week.

 

Ruth Davidson has apologised after accidently revealing the location of the MI6 Boss, Alex Younger’s, home. On learning about the incident, Mr Younger was reported to be shaken, but not stirred.

 

A News reporter working from home screamed at her topless dad who interrupted her broadcast. The Dad has apologised, but defended his actions by saying he thought she had said “now here’s the nudes from where you are.”

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Episode 8 - Broadcast 10/04/20
 

Openers & closers

Linguists researching the history of swearing found the worlds earliest recorded use of the F- Word in the National Library of Scotland Vault. Although they are still waiting for the claim to be verified, as it was written in biro and accompanied by “Daz Woz Ere.”

 

A woman from Caister-on-sea in Norfolk is offering toilet rolls as a reward for anyone finding her missing cockatiel. Although she has admitted she is concerned that people may come forwards for the wrong reasons, and that they’ll have nothing to go on.

 

Simon Cowell is drawing up plans to turn himself into a British Walt Disney. Having already had some work done on his face, it was only a matter of time before he froze the rest of his head.

 

Simon Cowell wants to take on Joe Wicks and release a cookbook to prove he has not had a gastric band. A band that suppresses your appetite, Westlife was signed by Simon Cowell in 1998.  (A far better, less clunkily worded version of this joke was broadcast, and credited to me! 😃) 

 

Gwyneth Paltrow is selling a range of sex toys to help her fans through self-isolation. Users are being reminded however, that before using them, to ensure they are not lit.

 

A middle-aged couple of giant pandas in a Hong Kong theme park have mated for the first time in 13 years, after enjoying some privacy thanks to the coronavirus lockdown. Although the event was captured on the park’s webcam, but the couple did continue once enough money had been pledged.

 

A dog-sledding centre in the Scottish Highlands says it is having to close down after nearly two decades as climate change has "crucified" the business. Not in keeping with this time of year, the business is not expected to start-up again on Sunday.

 

Sir Paul McCartney has admitted that he is hooked on TV Shopping Channels and that his wife Nancy has to rein him in from making rash purchases. Nancy was particularly concerned with a potential upcoming purchase recently, but relaxed when she realised he was in fact watching, The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills on ITV.

 

A motorist caught speeding at 110mph told police he had travelled more than 100 miles to London to buy bread because it was cheaper. The driver was issued with a fine and was told he could expect 3 pitas on his licence. 

 

A Glaswegian, who reports they are in possession of the 'last' McDonald's cheeseburger, is selling it online for a grand total of £99. Which is still cheaper than buying one from Five Guys.

 

Paying for porn and sexting during the lockdown is now considered cheating, dating experts say. This has caused many men to change their passwords, hand over fist.

 
Episode 9 - Broadcast 17/04/20
 

Openers & closers

Scotrail Trains have finally stopped flushing poo onto the tracks, two years after the filthy practice was meant to end. Rail-infrastructure engineers have welcomed this, as they no longer have to worry about stepping on the turd rail.

 

Britain’s most violent lag, Charles Bronson has published a poetry book. It is hoped the book will show that Mr Bronson has finally started to show some remorse for his crimes, as he has written it in I am sick pentameter.

 

A virtual congregation set up during the coronavirus lockdown has caused an Edinburgh church's numbers to be eight times their normal size. Although the numbers dwindled rapidly when they sent round the virtual collection plate.

 

TV presenter Eamonn Holmes is at the centre of a controversy after casting doubt on media outlets that debunk the myth that 5G causes coronavirus. The ‘This Morning’ presenter wants to test the theory by fronting a new show which will see him set-out to disrupt 5G signals; ‘Holmes under the Jammer’. 

 

Claudia Winkleman says she no longer recognises herself after weeks in self-quarantine and bizarrely compares herself to MEATLOAF. Fat and sweaty with great masses of hair flopping back and forth, eyeballs bulging right out of their sockets and a voice soaring to hammy operatic heights, Claudia Winkleman can be seen on BBC’s Strictly Come Dancing.

 

Who knew that the song Happy was a precursor to gettin’ a fever durin’ the shortage of paracetamol by the way. (Des sings) “Bring me down my level is too high. Bring me down can't nuthin'” 

 

Matt Damon is self-isolating in a small Irish town after being caught in the country’s lockdown, delighting locals. Although he has denied that he is reprising one of his most iconic roles in, The Bored Celebrity.

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Episode 10 - Broadcast 24/04/20
 

Openers & closers

TV Hardman Danny Dyer is set to provide a history class for five to seven-year-olds on Henry VIII. The Eastenders star is looking forward to teaching the kids the easy way to remember the fates of each of Henry’s wives, by using a simple pattern: Inspector Morsed, Unleaded, Girl Guide; Red Sauced, Wheat Shredded, Deep Dived.

 

People are reportedly having difficulty sleeping and experiencing extremely vivid, weird dreams during the lockdown. One person reported a dream had involved them trying to stock up on broken biscuits at the supermarket with a couple of children’s TV presenters, only to be pursued by an angry mob. Whilst another said they had dreamt that the leader of the opposition had actually come across as competent during Prime Minister’s questions.

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Episode 11 - Broadcast 01/05/20
 

Openers & closers

A London tattoo artist is inking himself every day during the coronavirus lockdown – until he runs out of space on his body. The man has said that he’s “not picky and will tattoo anything” on himself. He has however admitted he does regret getting a tattoo of an ex on an intimate area. Although when he thinks about it further, it becomes exciting.

 

A farm sanctuary in California is offering people the chance to invite a llama to make a cameo appearance in their next Zoom meeting. One was thought to have been spotted in a recent House of Commons chat, but it turned out that Boris Johnson was just tying his shoelace. 

 

Lorraine Kelly said she feared she would cut her husband’s ear off as she gave him a haircut in lockdown. Her husband responded by saying he’d asked for a cornrow, not a van Gogh.

 

Plans to resume the Premier League season will step up this week in what has been labelled "Project Restart". Or, as Liverpool fans have dubbed it, “Project Please For The Love Of God Finish The Season, We Can’t Let These Smug Man United Fans Go On Mocking Us Any Longer!”

 

A Dundee woman is looking on the lighter side of lockdown life after making a bra facemask for her husband. Her husband isn’t quite seeing the funny side though, as whenever he’s wearing it, he feels like a right tit.

 

When pubs reopen people could be limited to two or three drinks, an economist has suggested. However, there has been no word yet as to what they’ll be able to order the second time they go up to the bar.

 

The BBC is said to be looking very carefully at airing Strictly Come Dancing in the autumn, despite the coronavirus pandemic. Producers will ensure that all safety measures continue to be taken and the show will end with an updated version of its signature sign-off, “keep dist-ancing!”

 

Jake Gyllenhall joked he's in a “relationship” with sourdough bread this week as he discussed his newfound love for making it. The sourdough was concerned about being seen as easy so ensured its status still said, “it’s complicated.”

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Episode 12 - Broadcast 08/05/20
 

Openers & closers

A Japanese aquarium has been urging the public to video-chat with eels who are forgetting humans exist. They are also encouraging people to dance for them, but that only works with a conga.

 

The Thursday evening celebration of NHS workers causes a spike in arrivals at A&E, a doctor at Bradford Royal Infirmary has said. He explained that: "people are coming out banging pans and seeing who can clap the loudest, and therein accidents lie.” It has become such a regular occurrence that they are thinking of changing the name to “Collapse for our Carers.”

 

A woman who dug up an unexploded World War Two bomb in her garden said she threw it across the lawn for her dog before she realised what it was. Feeling devastated about the mistake she had almost made, the woman quickly retrieved the item and invited her husband to play a game of catch.

 

Dressing up for me these days means putting on shoes.

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