Episode 1 - 'Secret' - Broadcast 19/03/25 11pm
Nothing submitted
Episode 2 - 'Help' - Broadcast 25/03/25 11pm
Coastguard Blues
I submitted this very silly sketch for the topic 'help'. Had a couple of ideas, but this one really stood out to me. The formatting isn't great on here, so I have included a PDF version below. Enjoy!
I submitted a polished version of this script to Luke Edward's excellent The Reject Pile Podcast - I'll most-likely share the version I recorded of it once the episode goes out.
FX: SEA/RADIO EFFECTS
QUIZMASTER:
Time for our annual quiz. As always, to answer, you must say your vessel’s name, followed by your answer. Everyone got that?
STERN-LOOK:
Stern-Look, Roger.
TIDE-UP:
Tide-Up, Roger.
SHIP-FACED:
Ship-Faced, Me.
QUIZMASTER:
You can’t say ‘Me’, Roger, you have to actually say Roger when you understand! Roger?
SHIP-FACED:
What?
QUIZMASTER:
Oh please, let’s not have a repeat of last year!
SHIP-FACED:
Sorry, just a bit of fun, over.
QUIZMASTER:
Fine. Okay, question one, complete the line to this ABBA song: “So, when you’re near me, darling, can’t you hear me…?
TIDE-UP:
Tide-Up, SOS.
QUIZMASTER:
Correct. Question two. Which…
COAST GUARD:
(Interrupting)
This is the Coast Guard, Tide-Up broadcasting SOS, request your position, nature of distress and number of persons on board. OVER.
TIDE-UP:
Err, this is Tide-Up, We're not actually in any distress I was answering a quiz question? Over.
COAST GUARD:
Say again, Tide-Up?
TIDE-UP:
We’re not in any distress – Was quoting an ABBA song? Over.
COAST GUARD:
Making a false distress call is a criminal offence, punishable by a fine,
restitution and possible imprisonment. Over.
TIDE-UP:
Yes, understood, but I was merely answering a quiz question. Sorry. Over.
COAST GUARD:
Okay, we’ll let it go this time but please be more careful in future. Coast Guard over and out.
QUIZMASTER:
Well, that was all rather exciting, wasn’t it?
Question 2. Which Beatles album features the tracks, Ticket to Ride and Yesterday?
STERN-LOOK:
Stern-Look, Help!
QUIZMASTER:
Correct, question 3, Crowning the…
COAST GUARD:
(Interrupting)
This is the Coast Guard, Stern-Look broadcasting for Help, request your position, nature of distress and number of persons on board. OVER.
STERN-LOOK:
This is Stern-Look, I’m also answering a quiz question. Over.
COAST GUARD:
Can you repeat please, Stern-Look. Over.
STERN-LOOK:
We don’t require Help, it’s the answer to a quiz question. Over.
COAST GUARD:
May I remind you that making a false distress call is a criminal offence,
punishable by a fine, restitution and possible imprisonment. Over.
STERN-LOOK:
Yes, understood, but once again I was just answering a quiz question over.
COAST GUARD:
Guys, please be more mindful about your use of language. If this happens again I will have no choice but to inform the authorities. Coast Guard Over and Out.
QUIZMASTER:
Well, someone’s getting a bit antsy.
SHIP-FACED:
You can kind of see his point? Over.
QUIZMASTER:
Can you? I don’t really see how. Anyway, on with the quiz. Question three: Crowning the May Queen, dancing around a Maypole and Morris Dancing are most closely associated with which bank holiday?
FX: SEA/RADIO EFFECTS/SILENCE
QUIZMASTER:
Remember to answer you need your vessel’s name followed by the answer, over.
FX: SEA/RADIO EFFECTS/SILENCE
QUIZMASTER:
You’ve all gone very quiet? I’ll repeat the question. Crowning the May Queen, dancing around a Maypole and Morris Dancing are most closely associated with which bank holiday?
FX: SEA/RADIO EFFECTS/SILENCE
QUIZMASTER: Come on, this is an easy one? Basically what’s the first Bank Holiday in May called?
FX: SEA/RADIO EFFECTS/SILENCE
COAST GUARD:
Coast Guard, May Day! May Day! May Day!
QUIZMASTER: Correct!
FRENCH CG:
Zis is ze French Coast Guard, UK Coast Guard, request your position, nature of distress and number of people on board. Over.
END
Coastguard Blues Sketch - by Mike Cooper
Click on the image below to read the PDF
Episode 3 - 'Late' - Broadcast 02/04/25 11pm
Nothing submitted
Episode 4 - 'Holiday' - Broadcast 09/04/25 11pm
Nothing submitted
Nowt. Nada. Nothing.
The Best of Enemies sketch
Another very silly sketch and to be honest, one that was written to get in the final joke that isn't even really that good. Still, good news about the Chocolate Oranges
The Best of Enemies Sketch - by Mike Cooper
Click on the image below to read the PDF
FX: DISTANT WAR SOUNDS
CARUTHERS:
Righto Jenkins, have you done your rounds?
JENKINS:
Just on my way now, sir.
CARUTHERS:
Jolly good. Quicker you get back, quicker we can get on with
the Christmas Eve celebrations.
JENKINS:
Absolutely, Sir.
FX: RUSTLING/NOISE OF SOMEONE APPROACHING
CARUTHERS:
Halt! Who goes there? Show yourself.
JENKINS:
Good God, it’s a German, sir.
FX: GUN COCKING
GERHARDT: (German accent)
Please, do not shoot. I wish to relay a message.
CARUTHERS:
Show me your hands.
GERHARDT: (German accent)
Not Hans, Gerhardt.
CARUTHERS:
Hands! Hands!
GERHARDT: (German accent)
No, no, not Hans, (Slowly) Ger-hardt.
CARUTHERS:
Shoot him, Jenkins.
GERHARDT: (German accent)
Please, do not shoot. I have a message from my superiors.
CARUTHERS:
Well hurry up, but keep those HANDS, in the air.
GERHARDT: (German accent)
Yes, sir. 25-years ago, a truce was called for Christmas and the
commanding officers wondered if this is something you would consider?
CARUTHERS:
A truce, eh?
GERHARDT: (German accent)
Ja. From 10pm tonight until 10pm on Boxing Day. That way
all of the good telly will have finished.
CARUTHERS:
Yes, good point. What do you think, Jenkins?
JENKINS:
We do all love Christmas, so it would be quite nice to get to enjoy it, sir.
CARUTHERS:
Wait a minute, how do we know this isn’t just a ruse to get us to stop fighting?
GERHARDT: (German accent)
I assure you we are men of our word, and we too would like to enjoy Christmas.
JENKINS:
Maybe we could play a game of football, sir. Like they did in 1914.
CARUTHERS:
Oh yeah, that would be good. Don’t suppose your boys have any do you, Gerhardt?
GERHARDT: (German accent)
Unfortunately, there is only a single one within the German Army,
and the fuhrer has it.
CARUTHERS:
Aha! So the rumours are true then! He has only got one ball.
END
Murder Mystery Party sketch
What's that, another very silly sketch?! I liked this one and think it would have got some nice laughs if the performances were like what I heard in my head! Might have a go at recording it myself, one day…
FX: DINNER PARTY SOUNDS
GRAMS: DINNER PARTY JAZZ
JANE:
What is it, why won’t you tell me?
MARK:
Because I’m afraid…
ANDREW: (Interrupting)
Sorry, can I just.
JENNY:
Oh, not again, Andrew.
ANDREW:
Well, I’m sorry but surely Jane’s character would be more upset?
MARK: (quietly)
Here we go.
ANDREW:
My Richard III for the Walton and District Players was highly regarded for my deeply sensitive performance- particularly in showing the character’s raw emotion. So, I think I have the right to speak up. Which incidentally also wouldn’t go amiss, Jane. Enunciation is not something to be shy of my dear.
JENNY:
Now Andrew, we are all very aware of your standing within the local Amateur Dramatics community, but this was supposed to be a bit of fun after a lovely meal. I’m sure the makers of…
FX: PICKING UP BOX
JENNY
…‘The Murder at the Vicar’s Bridge’ expected it to be conducted by people without any previous experience.
ANDREW:
Well, yes of course, but wouldn’t using my vast experience not make this game more enjoyable for everyone?
FX: SILENCE
JOHN:
Does that answer your question?
JENNY:
Thank you, John. Right, can we get back on with it now please. Mark, I believe it was your line we were last on.
MARK:
Erm, yes of course. Let me see. Right, Because I’m afraid, he’s dead.
JANE: Dead?
ANDREW:
Is that it???
JENNY:
Andrew, please!
ANDREW:
Oh come on, he’s just told you your husband’s dead? Where’s the rage, where’s the anger, Jane?! When I starred in Death of a Salesman in Aylesbury, people were in awe of my Willy.
JOHN: (Sniggers)
ANDREW:
Oh, grow up. Come on Jane, I know you’ve got it in you. Show me your rage!
JANE: (Very angry)
Listen Andrew, why don’t you just BEEPED off. Nobody wanted you here and no one gives a flying BEEPED about your Willy, your Richard III or any other pathetic BEEPED character you’ve portrayed in front of 20 people, the majority of whom you were probably related to, so please, BEEPED off.
ANDREW:
Yes, that’s it! Wonderful! See, I knew you had it in you! Now give me the line again.
JANE:
Please BEEPED off!
ANDREW:
No, the other one. Mark, once more with your line please.
MARK:
Oh for God’s sake.
ANDREW:
Please, come on.
MARK:
Because I’m afraid, he’s dead.
JANE:
Dead?!
ANDREW:
Yes, Jane. Brilliant. Keep going.
JANE:
He can’t be dead, he only popped out to the shops.
JOHN:
That’s true, he only left 30-minutes ago.
ANDREW: (Really hammily)
If I may, I think I may be able to shed some light on the situation, you see, your husband was not who you thought he was. He was actually in fact…
His twin brother, Raul!!
JANE:
Raul?
ANDREW:
Oh come on Jane, where’s that anger gone?
JANE:
BEEPED off, Andrew!
ANDREW:
She’s back!
END