Episode 1 - 'Secret' - Broadcast 19/03/25 11pm
Nothing submitted
Episode 2 - 'Help' - Broadcast 25/03/25 11pm
Coastguard Blues
I submitted this very silly sketch for the topic 'help'. Had a couple of ideas, but this one really stood out to me. The formatting isn't great on here, so I have included a PDF version below. Enjoy!
FX: SEA/RADIO EFFECTS
QUIZMASTER:
Time for our annual quiz. As always, to answer, you must say your vessel’s name, followed by your answer. Everyone got that?
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STERN-LOOK:
Stern-Look, Roger.
TIDE-UP:
Tide-Up, Roger.
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SHIP-FACED:
Ship-Faced, Me.
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QUIZMASTER:
You can’t say ‘Me’, Roger, you have to actually say Roger when you understand! Roger?
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SHIP-FACED:
What?
QUIZMASTER:
Oh please, let’s not have a repeat of last year!
SHIP-FACED:
Sorry, just a bit of fun, over.
QUIZMASTER:
Fine. Okay, question one, complete the line to this ABBA song: “So, when you’re near me, darling, can’t you hear me…?
TIDE-UP:
Tide-Up, SOS.
QUIZMASTER:
Correct. Question two. Which…
COAST GUARD:
(Interrupting)
This is the Coast Guard, Tide-Up broadcasting SOS, request your position, nature of distress and number of persons on board. OVER.
TIDE-UP:
Err, this is Tide-Up, We're not actually in any distress I was answering a quiz question? Over.
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COAST GUARD:
Say again, Tide-Up?
TIDE-UP:
We’re not in any distress – Was quoting an ABBA song? Over.
COAST GUARD:
Making a false distress call is a criminal offence, punishable by a fine,
restitution and possible imprisonment. Over.
TIDE-UP:
Yes, understood, but I was merely answering a quiz question. Sorry. Over.
COAST GUARD:
Okay, we’ll let it go this time but please be more careful in future. Coast Guard over and out.
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QUIZMASTER:
Well, that was all rather exciting, wasn’t it?
Question 2. Which Beatles album features the tracks, Ticket to Ride and Yesterday?
STERN-LOOK:
Stern-Look, Help!
QUIZMASTER:
Correct, question 3, Crowning the…
COAST GUARD:
(Interrupting)
This is the Coast Guard, Stern-Look broadcasting for Help, request your position, nature of distress and number of persons on board. OVER.
STERN-LOOK:
This is Stern-Look, I’m also answering a quiz question. Over.
COAST GUARD:
Can you repeat please, Stern-Look. Over.
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STERN-LOOK:
We don’t require Help, it’s the answer to a quiz question. Over.
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COAST GUARD:
May I remind you that making a false distress call is a criminal offence,
punishable by a fine, restitution and possible imprisonment. Over.
STERN-LOOK:
Yes, understood, but once again I was just answering a quiz question over.
COAST GUARD:
Guys, please be more mindful about your use of language. If this happens again I will have no choice but to inform the authorities. Coast Guard Over and Out.
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QUIZMASTER:
Well, someone’s getting a bit antsy.
SHIP-FACED:
You can kind of see his point? Over.
QUIZMASTER:
Can you? I don’t really see how. Anyway, on with the quiz. Question three: Crowning the May Queen, dancing around a Maypole and Morris Dancing are most closely associated with which bank holiday?
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FX: SEA/RADIO EFFECTS/SILENCE
QUIZMASTER:
Remember to answer you need your vessel’s name followed by the answer, over.
FX: SEA/RADIO EFFECTS/SILENCE
QUIZMASTER:
You’ve all gone very quiet? I’ll repeat the question. Crowning the May Queen, dancing around a Maypole and Morris Dancing are most closely associated with which bank holiday?
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FX: SEA/RADIO EFFECTS/SILENCE
QUIZMASTER: Come on, this is an easy one? Basically what’s the first Bank Holiday in May called?
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FX: SEA/RADIO EFFECTS/SILENCE
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COAST GUARD:
Coast Guard, May Day! May Day! May Day!
QUIZMASTER: Correct!
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FRENCH CG:
Zis is ze French Coast Guard, UK Coast Guard, request your position, nature of distress and number of people on board. Over.
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END