Breaking the News - Series 31
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Episode 1 - Broadcast 20/06/25
While we were away… Gags
The Walt Disney Company announced the location of its seventh theme park would be the United Arab Emirates. Plans were to be unveiled at a huge party in the capital, but following concerns it might get sued by the makers of The Flintstones, they cancelled the Abu Dhabi do.
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A new security system means passengers at Edinburgh Airport can now keep liquids and large electrical items in their bags. This has led to much quicker processing times through security but a huge increase in claims for water-damaged electricals.
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Opening/Closing Gags
Former MSP Tommy Sheridan says he is being "victimised" for his political past after he was rejected for a job as a social worker by Glasgow City Council. The council said they only considered his past when offering him the alternative role of pub landlord, as he had previous experience behind bars.
For the first time in decades, Scotland's west coast harbour seal numbers have dropped significantly. One suggestion to improve its population has been to move them further back from the cliff edge.
Britain’s first Marie Antoinette exhibition will feature a “scent experience” to recreate the smell of her French court. A name Gwyneth Paltrow wishes she’d have thought of for that candle.
The Spanish bank Sabadell has said it has received interest from prospective buyers of its UK division TSB, and said it would assess any firm offers it may receive. So, instead of being the bank that likes to say yes, it will be a case of wait to Sí.
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The University of Aberdeen has announced it is planning to open a campus in India, with scholars able to study at either site. News that was welcomed by some students as the flight from Mumbai will be far quicker than a ferry back to Shetland.
A New York seafood restaurant has released a lobster estimated to be 110 years old, back into the sea. Several methods of crustacean ageing have been trialled over the years, but one of the best ways to age a lobster is to put it in a room with John Swinney.
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BTN LONGLIST VERSION: A New York seafood restaurant has released a lobster estimated to be 110 years old, back into the sea. Several methods of crustacean ageing have been trialled over the years, but one of the best ways to age a lobster is to put it in a room with John Swinney.
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G7 Summit Fallout
Speculation was rife as to why Donald Trump had left the summit early, although McDonald’s had just posted that for a limited time, it was bringing back the McRib.
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BTN LONGLIST VERSION: Speculation is rife as to why Donald Trump left the summit early, although McDonald’s had just posted that for a limited time only it was bringing back the McRib.
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Scotland 2050 Summit
​Scotland is well-placed to tap into alternative forms of energy, with a wealth of renewable potential from wind and wave power. Some are now looking to also try and harness kinetic energy, particularly that generated every time TV companies show Piers Morgan.
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Scottish waste transported to England
​In fairness England has been sending Scotland its unwanted items for many years, with most of it ending up in the Scottish Premiership.
Episode 2 - Broadcast 27/06/25
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Opening/Closing Gags
Following a rejected offer on pay and working conditions, more than 100 Glasgow subway workers will strike this week during a major music event. Organisers hope that most trains will still run but say you may struggle to get a 6” Meatball Marinara.
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JEFF BEZOS VENICE WEDDING
Reports suggest former US Marines are being hired to provide security. The motto of the US Marines is Semper fidelis – which means “Always faithful”. “If only we’d had them at our wedding,” said MacKenzie Scott, Bezos’s first wife.
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BTN LONGLIST VERSION: Former US Marines have been hired to provide security for Jeff Bezos’ wedding. The motto of the US Marines is semper fidelis, meaning “Always faithful”. If only he’d had them at his first wedding.
Episode 3 - Broadcast 04/07/25
Opening/Closing Gags
Lorraine Kelly said she was “shaking like a leaf” as she and fellow presenter Dan Snow raced up the 25-metre mast of the RSS Discovery in Dundee. The TV historian made short shrift of it, and despite a few hairy moments, onlookers were relieved to have not seen snowfall in June.
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The Bank of England may drop historical figures from its banknotes as it seeks suggestions from the public. It’s also considering introducing a new £30 note featuring Opera greats, Luciano Pavarotti, Plácido Domingo, and José Carreras – as most already know them as the three tenners.
The largest illegal cannabis farm ever found in Scotland has been uncovered inside a former college building. Developers were upset that current tenants had patently misled them when saying the site would continue to be used for the purposes of higher educational growth.
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PRIME MINISTER WELFARE BILL REBELLION
The last time there was this much scrutiny about Pip eligibility, they had to find a new host for ITV’s This Morning.
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TRUMP’S BIG BEAUTIFUL BILL
The last time there was this much talk in The White House of a ‘big beautiful bill’, the Oval Office door had just been pulled to by Monica Lewinsky.
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ARE YOU COOL?
People who are conscientious are more likely to be organised and dependable. (BEAT) ah, now what am I supposed to say next? Hang on, I had the card here a second ago…
Episode 4 - Broadcast 11/07/25
Opening/Closing Gags
Nearly 2000 households across Dumfries and Galloway have had their council tax debts wiped. Council officials gave various reasons for cancelling the debts, including “no realistic prospects of recovery”, “uneconomic to pursue” and “just cannae be arsed”.
Scottish football fans will see a ban on alcohol lifted at two upcoming games under a pilot scheme. Although some have questioned the efficacy of the scheme because if it’s one group that can hold their drink, it’s pilots.
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AI SCOTTISH BIOGRAPHIES
Other titles about Nicola Sturgeon that have been removed include, Sturgeon General, Once upon a time in Holyrood, and Wham! Bam! Thank you, campervan!
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DRUNK PATCH DRUNK TEXT
Although the technology may still need work as when Sir Rod Stewart tested it on a recent night out, he received a message that said, ‘get to the coast’. ALT: “find a reservoir”.
ALT: An early prototype of the technology was abandoned in the 90’s following testing by Oliver Reed on a quiet night out after he received a message saying, “find a reservoir”.
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ASHLEY JENSEN
Speaking of her achievements, Ms Jensen said, “Sometimes my journey’s not been what I expected it to be”, which led to an immediate apology being issued by ScotRail.
Episode 5 - Broadcast 18/07/25
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TRUMP BBC
Donald Trump is due to visit his golf course near Aberdeen later this month. Speaking of the area he said it should “get rid of the windmills.” And to finally achieve a par on the 15th, maybe also lose the clown’s mouth and the Helter Skelter.
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HEIGHT-BOOSTING INSOLES
Numerous studies have shown just how much of an insecurity height can be for men –even in the US presidential race the loftier candidate has tended to win. A theory that was tested by a candidate in 2016, however they only wore one and that’s how they came to be known as, crooked Hilary.
Episode 6 - Broadcast 25/07/25
Opening/Closing Gags
This month marks 25 years of Big Brother. Winner of the first series, Craig Phillips, said that he has been blessed since taking part and doesn’t regret it. BB6’s Kinga Karolczak said she also had no regrets appearing and would probably just mark the occasion at home, relaxing with a nice bottle.
A Chinese student has been arrested for using a rice-sized bone-conduction earphone to cheat on an English test. The student claimed that they hadn't worn the device and had just been well coached by a relative, but this was questioned when officers struggled to contact his Uncle Ben.
This month marks 25 years of Big Brother. Winner of the first series, Craig Phillips, said that he has been blessed since taking part and doesn’t regret it. BB6’s Kinga Karolczak said she also had no regrets appearing and would probably just mark the occasion at home, relaxing with a nice bottle.
July marks 25 years of Big Brother. Winner of the first series, Craig Phillips, said that he has been blessed since taking part. BB6’s Kinga Karolczak said she had no regrets since appearing and would probably just mark the occasion at home, relaxing with a nice bottle.
Episode 7 - Broadcast 01/08/25
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Opening/Closing Gags
A ‘Rare and exciting’ 4,000-year-old handprint has been found on an Egyptian clay model. Egyptologists have denied using AI to help make the discovery, saying that it was just a coincidence that the hand happened to have 6 fingers.
Bend It Like Beckham is set for a sequel more than 20 years after its release, its director has confirmed to the BBC. With the success of the England Women’s Team, early title contenders include, ‘Veer it Like Wiegman’, ‘Arc it like Agyemang’ and ‘Curl it like Kelly’.
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Farmers fear there could be a shortage of British-grown peas in supermarket freezers after long spells of sunshine and dry weather resulted in the earliest harvest in 14 years. The situation could improve however once further figures are reported, as so far, they’ve only had the Birds Eye view.
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Sewing & Knitting dying out
Not all needlework has dropped off, with 89% of people surveyed saying they could sew on buttons. While the remaining 11% complained that before they’d even had a chance to get the needle in, the buttons had melted.
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Episode 8 - Broadcast 08/08/25
Opening/Closing Gags
Dolly Parton has been named as a ‘Guinness World Record Icon’ in honour of her eleven record-breaking achievements. The singer's long list of world records includes the most studio albums released by a female country singer, the most Grammy nominations for a female country artist, and the most times someone has crowbarred a gag into a comedy show referencing her biggest hits.
The far-right activist, Tommy Robinson, has been arrested by police investigating an assault at a London railway station. Details are sketchy, but witnesses alleged Mr Robinson repeatedly told someone to go back to where they came from before pushing them; causing them to drop their marmalade sandwich.
The BBC has launched an investigation into alleged drug use by two Strictly Come Dancing stars. A probe began when producers saw how dances were referenced on some training sheets. Speedstep instead of quickstep, the Cha Cha Chang*, and the Pasa Doble had become the Pass a doobie.
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BTN LONGLIST VERSION: The BBC has launched an investigation into alleged drug use by two Strictly Come Dancing stars. A probe began when producers saw how dances were referenced on some training sheets. Speedstep instead of quickstep, the Cha Cha Chang, and the Pasa Doble had become the Pass a doobie.
Tesco has unveiled a birthday cake sandwich based on a Victoria sponge. It consists of two slices of brioche with a vanilla icing and strawberry jam filling. It’s available as a regular Meal Deal with a drink and snack or can be upgraded to Finest, which includes candles and a lighter.
Episode 9 - Broadcast 15/08/25
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Opening/Closing Gags
A romantic Oasis fan has proposed to his stunned girlfriend during their favourite song at a Murrayfield gig. Although he didn’t quite get the answer he was hoping for as she didn’t immediately say yes, but she did say Definitely Maybe.
A family farm has transformed a spring barley field into a natural burial ground in an unusual attempt to raise funds. Cremations were also thought to be happening on the site, but this was a misunderstanding as they’d actually discussed planting Ash.
The Duke and Duchess of Sussex have announced they are extending their deal for films and TV shows with Netflix. Representatives of Harry and Meghan say they are also set to sign a 12-month deal with Disney Plus, just as soon as the free trial ends.
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BTN LONGLIST VERSION: The Duke and Duchess of Sussex have announced they are extending their deal for films and TV shows with Netflix. Representatives of Harry and Meghan say they are also set to sign a 12-month deal with Disney Plus, just as soon as the free trial ends.
Episode 10 - Broadcast 22/08/25
Opening/Closing Gags
Sir David Attenborough has named the first young golden eagle to fledge as part of a pioneering conservation project to boost the birds' numbers in southern Scotland. Although the charity was stunned when the veteran broadcaster announced the name he’d chosen; ‘Eagley McEagleface’.
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Walmart has recalled some of its shrimp products in the US after radioactive material was detected in a shipment of seafood. Bosses were first alerted after a shopper tried to buy a King prawn curry and it said if I were you, I’d go for the chicken.
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BTN Broadcast Version: Walmart has recalled some of its shrimp products in the US, after radioactive material was detected in a shipment of seafood. Bosses were first alerted after a shopper tried to buy a king prawn curry, and it replied “if I were you, I’d go for the chicken.”
Police have launched an investigation after the St George’s Cross was painted on a mini-roundabout. Police Scotland had concerns that similar attempts would be made north of the border with the Saltire, but anyone that has tried, has just ended up falling into the paddling pool.
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New Dictionary Words
Skibidi is a word that can have different meanings such as ‘cool’ or ‘bad’ and is not the name of a South African cartoon about a mystery solving canine.