Breaking the News - Series 32
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Episode 1 - Broadcast 10/10/25
While we were away… Gags
Two teenagers who peed into a pot of broth at a hotpot restaurant have been ordered to pay 2.2m yuan (£227,000) to two catering companies in China. The pair may have got away unnoticed had they not changed the dish’s name on the menu to ‘London Fog’.
Elon Musk's title of world's richest man came under threat after Oracle's Larry Ellison added $70 billion to his fortune in one day. They must be absolutely kicking themselves at Ceefax.
Elon Musk's title of world's richest man came under threat after Oracle's Larry Ellison added $70 billion to his fortune in one day. News which sent shockwaves through the offices of Ceefax.
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Closing Gags
Two companies that specialise in supplying topless waiters for hen parties are in a legal wrangle over the term “butlers in the buff”. Thankfully, only one of the companies also offers bottomless French waiters, so no one is currently disputing the name, “check out the arse on that garçon.”
Having already dropped a million seats from its winter schedule, Ryanair has axed 1.2 million seats to and from Spain next summer in its row with the country's airport operator. One of the most affected airports could be Perpignan in Southern France, or as it’s listed on Ryanair’s website, the gateway to the Costa Brava.
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Police Powers
Conservative leader Kemi Badenoch said her party will "of course support" the new measures but asked why it took "so long" for them to be introduced. A Labour spokesperson agreed, saying 13 years had been a long time for them not to have been brought in.​
Episode 2 - Broadcast 17/10/25
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Opening/Closing Gags
An exhausted owl that was rescued after landing on a North Sea platform has been released back into the wild. Offshore workers were delighted to have nursed the owl back to health but couldn’t help but hide their disappointment that they wouldn’t actually be getting to go to Hogwarts.
An Australian bodybuilder broke a Guinness World Record that had stood for nearly a decade when she completed 733 pull-ups in one hour. Moments later, the record was thought to have been broken again, but they’d accidentally been counting a malfunctioning Whac-A-Mole machine.
Episode 3 - Broadcast 24/10/25
Opening/Closing Gags
A Chinese woman has been charged with the theft of six gold nuggets worth about £1.3m from the Museum of Natural History in Paris. These are the most expensive nuggets I’ve seen since I stopped off at Kinross Services’ Burger King.
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BTN LONGLIST VERSION: A Chinese woman has been charged with the theft of six gold nuggets, worth about £1.3m, from the Museum of Natural History in Paris - the most expensive nuggets on record outside of the Burger King at Kinross Services.
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​Penguin/Club bars
Some consumers are eager to reclaim their prized chocolate covered biscuit treats from the manufacturer and are hoping to form a Breakaway.
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Middle Class Foragers
Popular online forager, Fern Freud’s video on how to make a sticky weed-infused tea, has been viewed nearly a million times. Although many viewers switch off when they realise she’s using actual weeds.
Episode 4 - Broadcast 31/10/25
Opening/Closing Gags
Jeremy Corbyn is set to swap Parliament for pantomime this Christmas, taking a part in a festive stage performance. Attendees at a recent ‘Your Party’ event saw a sneak preview after Mr Corbyn announced that, “your personal information and donations are safe in our portal,” to which they responded, “oh no it isn’t”.
Hundreds of passengers were left stranded after ScotRail was forced to cancel or delay rush hour services at Glasgow Central Station after a swan got onto the tracks. Commuters seemed baffled by the delays and confusion was compounded when they announced it was due to a Cygnetting issue.
A protester heckled the King about Prince Andrew during a cathedral visit this week. Several people outside the cathedral looked visibly annoyed by the protester, with one woman telling him to "go away and leave him alone;" and that “Andrew’s living arrangements have got nothing to do with anyone,” concluded the unnamed 66-year-old redhead.
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Brendan Rodgers
Desmond said: “His later public statements about transfers and club operations came entirely out of the blue.” Something that has been strenuously denied by those at Ibrox.
Episode 5 - Broadcast 07/11/25
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Opening/Closing Gags
A flamingo - called Frankie - has escaped from a wildlife sanctuary in Cornwall. Bright pink, prone to changing mates, and known for their grunting and nasal honking sounds, Boris Johnson was unavailable for comment.
Royal Navy personnel in Portsmouth conducting a live exercise 500-miles away, have remotely piloted what's been called a "wolf pack" of drone boats. The drill was said to be running perfectly until the boats all suddenly stopped when the moon went behind some clouds.
A Glasgow Labour councillor forgot to turn off his camera when he went to the bathroom during a live streamed committee meeting. Thankfully by the time he’d returned they’d already moved onto the third item on the agenda, so didn’t have time to debate his number two.
Episode 6 - Broadcast 14/11/25
Opening/Closing Gags
A flamingo that escaped from a wildlife sanctuary in Cornwall more than a week ago may have flown to north-west France. Bright pink, prone to changing mates, and known for their grunting and nasal honking sounds, Boris Johnson was unavailable for comment.
Two brothers who posed as stewards to sneak into a sold-out football match have been banned from attending games for three years. The brothers are set to appeal the ban stating they’ll soon have more free time on their hands as they are due to return from their sellout World Tour next week.
Designer clothes worn by Cilla Black during her long showbusiness career are to be auctioned for charity. Buyers have been warned to check what additional fees are being charged, as they don’t want them bidding and then getting a nasty Surprise Surprise.
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Kim Kardashian
Kardashian has shared fans’ posts about the show; with one saying that, All's Fair "dares to ask the question 'does a show need to be good?' and the answer is no, it doesn't". See, told you, replied the Head of Channel 5. (ALT: The head of GB News)
Episode 7 - Broadcast 21/11/25
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Opening/Closing Gags
MI5 has warned MPs and peers that they are being targeted by Chinese intelligence agents trying to recruit their staff, friends and contacts. Although it was quickly disputed all across the Parliamentary Estate: “This is simply not true, you’ve got absolutely nothing to worry about,” said the printers. (ALT: the photocopiers).
A portrait by the Austrian artist Gustav Klimt fetched $236.4m (£179m) in New York this week, making it the second most expensive piece ever sold at auction. There were anxious moments when the buyer came to collect the Klimt, as several male staff members had trouble locating it.
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Sky Sports Halo
Millie Jones told BBC Newsbeat "As a sports fan, I've consumed generic Sky Sports media for the entirety of the time that I've been into sport. I don't need a pink, glittery sidepiece…," to which Elton John apologised, saying he didn’t always dress like that when watching Watford.
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Trackie McLeod
Most English people don’t know Trackie McLeod, they think it’s the name the public chose for a new Scottish F1 circuit.
Episode 8 - Broadcast 28/11/25
Opening/Closing Gags
Queen guitarist Sir Brian May has hinted that the band will be the stars of a new AI hologram show after the success of the similarly produced Abba Voyage. When asked how the technology would work, Sir Brian said that he wasn’t actually sure, it’s A Kind Of Magic.
Two men have been charged after three cars were stolen during a “frost-jacking” spree in Fife. The thefts occurred while the vehicles were left defrosting outside properties. Police sought to question a third man spotted near one of the scenes, but on arrival all they found was a discarded scarf, a couple of twigs, and a carrot in a puddle.
Airline passengers who have been visiting Manchester Airport's Terminal 1 since it opened in the 1960s have been reminiscing at the "end of an era". You too can experience what it was like visiting an airport in the 1960s, by flying from Glasgow (ALT: Aberdeen?)
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BTN recorded but not aired version: Airline passengers who have been visiting Manchester Airport's Terminal 1 since it opened in the 1960s have been reminiscing at the "end of an era". You too can experience what it was like visiting an airport in the 1960s, by flying from Prestwick
Police Scotland has been urged to modernise its fingerprint taking practices in the Highlands and Islands after a review found officers at some police stations are still using ink and paper. Officers in Fort William have said they will put the new measures in place, just as soon as they receive the instructional telegram. (ALT: Orkney, Shetland, or the Western Isles)
An auctioneer has suggested that an upcoming sale of designer clothes worn by Cilla Black during her long showbusiness career could yield "bargain prices". However, they have warned buyers to be wary of the additional fees that get added, as they don’t want them to get a nasty Surprise Surprise.
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Weight Loss Jabs
The figures were gathered from Glasgow-based Simple Online Pharmacy - one of the largest providers of weight loss drugs in the UK. Although since they have been offering the jabs, the firm has shrunk by 21%.
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UK Budget
The OBR apologised for the accidental early release of its budget report. This was the first people had learned that the OBR had been merged with the Prison Service.
Episode 9 - Broadcast 05/12/25
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Opening/Closing Gags
The chairman of the Office for Budget Responsibility (OBR) has resigned following the Budget day error which saw a key document released early. Thankfully though, he wasn’t out of work for long, as due to his eminently transferable skills, he was immediately snapped up by the Prison Service.
A historic well – hidden for centuries beneath Glasgow Cathedral – has been uncovered and reopened to the public. The discovery may have never been made, had it not been for an eventful afternoon, when a boy called Timmy, visited with his dog.
An immersive childcare course has been created that sees trainees forgo the quiet classroom and instead be exposed to the typical sounds they are likely to face in real world scenarios - including crying babies, tantrums and noisy play sessions. If successful, a similar programme will be established to get students interested in becoming Members of Parliament.
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What appeared to be tentacles washed up on an Aberdeenshire beach are the remains of a deep-sea creature called a seven-arm octopus, say experts. Or a regular octopus that had a run-in with a shark, say everyone else.
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Budget Fallout
Rachel Reeves was accused of overstating her junior chess title and critics are now asking broader questions about her CV and other claims. Like was that infamous distinctive mid-90’s haircut, ‘The Rachel’, really named in her honour?
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Christmas Tree
Kate Harrison, who has studied how colour impacts feelings, suggests using bright colours to invoke joy, and soft greens, whites and champagne colours to create calm. Although for many in Glasgow so far this season, green and white have been far from calming!
ALT: Kate Harrison, who has studied how colour impacts feelings, suggests using bright colours to invoke joy, and soft greens, whites and champagne colours to create calm. Although many in Glasgow believe green and white and champagne are not that likely to be seen together this season.
Episode 10 - Broadcast 12/12/25
Opening/Closing Gags
Scottish Space exploration chiefs believe the first humans born on Mars could be up to a foot taller than regular earthlings. Although that is only the ones that eat the King-size bars.
Hundreds of raw sausages were fly-tipped near the centre of Bristol causing a stir on social media. The scene even attracted some celebrity attention, with Wayne Rooney turning up, keen to get a look at some old bangers.
​Microshifting
Microshifting refers to an increasingly popular flexible way of working and nothing to do with snogging by a small electromagnetic oven in Ireland.
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Angry Ginge
The Royal Family even congratulated the Twitch Star on his victory, saying, it’s nice to see stories involving Angry Ginge and them not be about Harry. (ALT: Fergie)
Prince William even sent his congratulations to the Twitch Star, saying, it’s nice to see stories involving Angry Ginge and them not be about my brother.
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​BTN LONGLIST VERSION: The influencer known as Angry Ginge has won this year’s I’m A Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here! Even the Royal Family sent their congratulations - saying “It’s nice to see headlines about an Angry Ginge and them not be about Harry.”
10th Anniversary Special - 10 Years Of Breaking The News - Broadcast 19/12/25
Opening Gags
New microchipping laws have come into effect about dogs – but, like the NHS, there was still a huge wait before you could chip moggies and get a CAT Scan.​​
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Scottish Politics
During her resignation speech, Nicola Sturgeon said the job took a heavy toll. Of course, the toll could have been far less if she’d just taken a car through and not the campervan.
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Technology
Although seemingly a fairly new term, the use of AI in the Scottish Dialect can be traced back centuries, particularly when asked a question you weren’t properly listening to. What’s that Hen? Eh? Aye!
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Andy Murray
In 2016, ‘Britain’s Andy Murray’ was ranked world no. 1 for 41 weeks. From the forty-second week, the English press returned to referring to him as ‘Scotland’s’ Andy Murray.
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Next 10 Years Predictions
People finally start calling the social media platform X, just before it is sold by Elon Musk and the new owners rebrand it as Twitter.
The A9 dualling project between Perth and Inverness is finally completed, but it turns out it’s actually cake.
The test, track and trace app is finally ready for use.
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In 2036 a 94-year-old Joe Biden becomes the Democratic Party’s Presidential Nominee in a last-ditch attempt to stop Donald Trump from winning a fifth term.
On Christmas Day 2034 the Gavin and Stacey final final final finale is watched by 16 million viewers, prompting them to consider doing just one more.
On a family holiday, Michael Matheson breathes a huge sigh of relief as his kids come in from having watched Scotland qualify for the group stages of World Cup 26 and he remembers he didn’t pack the iPad.
Breaking the Year 2025 - Broadcast 01/01/26
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Words of the Year
Skibidi was added to the dictionary this year. This is a word that can have different meanings such as ‘cool’ or ‘bad’ and is not the cartoon Elon Musk used to watch about a mystery solving dog.
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Closing Gags
The Royal Navy is running out of sailors, one of its most senior officers has warned. News of the perilous shortage of semen reached America and in trying to help, Monica Lewinsky offered to dig out that blue dress.
After comparing the band’s catalogue of songs with other successful musicians, Durham University researchers this year confirmed that Coldplay are officially boring. This led to other high-profile institutions conducting similarly ground-breaking research with the University of St Andrew’s announcing that, water is officially wet.