

Breaking the News - Series 28
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Episode 1 - Broadcast 21/06/24
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Opening/Closing Gags
McDonald's is ending its AI drive-thru trial after customers reported errors in their orders - including bacon being added to ice cream. Patrons were further disappointed by it only being a few bits of bacon, when they’d expected hundreds and thousands.
NHS Dumfries and Galloway is telling everyone in the region to assume that some of their data is likely to have been published online following a major hack. Some residents knew something was awry as after emailing appointment requests, they actually got a read receipt.
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Round 2: Public Opinion – Story 1: People turning away from news
One respondent was adamant they don’t miss out by not watching the news, they further went on to say they were looking forward to catching up with this year’s recent Highland Games and hoped her majesty had a very Happy Birthday.
Episode 2 - Broadcast 28/06/24
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Openers & closers
The winner of the 2024 World Nettle Eating Championships has set a new record, organisers have said. The champ then quickly went on to secure a further record, by eating the greatest ever number of Dock Leaves.
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Alba party leader Alex Salmond has said he regrets quitting as SNP leader and that Nicola Sturgeon took independence backwards. Although in fairness, that was the only way she could get the camper off the drive.
Round 1 – Story 1: General Election
Asked whether they were concerned that charges could be brought about over stamps bought on Parliamentary expenses, a spokesperson was confident saying, we’ve got them licked.
Nigel Farage has said that Western leaders should hold peace talks with President Putin. Ruthless, calculating and committed to Russia’s integration into the world economy, Nigel Farage is the leader of Reform UK.
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Round 3 – Person 1: Joe Biden
During a recent event, Trump boasted about a cognitive test he took during his presidency and speculated Biden should also take one. In the process however, Trump mixed up the name of the physician who administered his own cognitive test, referring to him not as Doctor Ronny Jackson but as Doctor Person, woman, man, camera, TV.
Episode 3 - Election Special - Broadcast 06/07/24
Opening Gags
While live on Channel 4, Nadine Dorries remained tight-lipped over the contents of a text from former Conservative prime minister Boris Johnson. This was quite unexpected as usually the mere mention of Boris to Ms. Dorries, has the complete opposite effect.
One high-profile Conservative casualty was Penny Mordaunt, proving once and for all, the pen is mightier than the sword.
Reform UK chairman Richard Tice has said his party is filling a "vacuum" on the right of British politics after his party gained four seats in the election. Other commentators agreed with the analogy stating, like a vacuum, it is sucking up all the unwanted detritus.
The SNP has suffered its worst election in more than a decade. Still, at least they’ve got something nice to go off in on holiday.
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Opening Gags/Story 2: The Result in Scotland
Posters at a polling place in the Glasgow West constituency incorrectly told people to number their chosen candidates in order of preference, using the Single Transferable Vote system rather than marking a single "X" under the first-past-the-post system. Glasgow City Council reassured voters their ballots would still be counted using their number 1 choice. Although people have since raised concerns that their counts had been done using Roman numerals, as their preferred candidate had been ranked 10th.
Closing Gags - Predictions
Incoming Chancellor of the Exchequer, Rachel Reeves, arrives at Number 11 Downing Street and immediately asks how much is in the budget for re-decoration.
Episode 4 - Broadcast 12/07/24
Openers & closers
An ice cream van was washed out to sea by an incoming tide at a popular beach in Cornwall. The owner of the van has since said they’ll set-up elsewhere, stating I’ve got 99 problems but the pitch aint one.
A painting in which Jesus and other biblical figures are portrayed with faces from Looney Tunes cartoon characters was removed from an art exhibition in Sydney after protesters said it “mocked” Christianity. Billed as being Goofy! Silly! Wacky! Looney! And featuring fantastical stories with a cast of beloved madcap characters, The Bible is one of the best-selling books of all time.
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A new report has shown that regularly saving money, however small the sum, helps people to relax, be more optimistic about the future and improves sleep. Although the study also found that putting away large sums had a negative impact on sleep as they kept falling off the bed.
Dame Shirley Bassey says receiving her latest honour from King Charles III made her more nervous than singing for him. The Welsh singer, said she was absolutely fine when he was using the ceremonial sword, but the mood turned when The King had to sign the certificate, and someone handed him a fountain pen.
A fight for better pay among workers at South Korea tech giant Samsung will now result in an indefinite strike, according to a top union official. This means that the next Galaxy, may be far, far away.
Round 1 – Story 1: Sir Keir one week in the job
Sir Keir was on a tour of the Welsh parliament with First Minister Vaughan Gething when he stumbled across a student choir practising, telling them they had been “fantastic”. Although he then made a slight gaff as when asked if he had any requests for a Welsh song, he said how about that one from the Go Compare ads.
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Round 1 – Story 2: GE – Fallout for opposition parties
Before being re-sworn-in as an MP, Liberal Democrats leader, Sir Ed Davey, had to change his outfit, as the Chamber doors weren’t wide enough for his Zorb Ball.
Round 2 – CopenPay Scheme
The project is "trust-based", meaning attractions won’t always ask for proof that green activities have been completed. However, some attractions may want to see photographic evidence of you riding a bike, or some other novel form of green transport. Which now explains some of the recent shots we’ve seen of Ed Davey; he must be going there for his summer holidays.
Round 3 – Liam Gallagher at TRNSMT
TRNSMT's food and drink prices have been revealed - and revellers may find themselves spending upwards of £10 for a bag of chips. That’s pretty scandalous, for that price you’d at least think you’d get a roll with it.
Episode 5 - Broadcast 19/07/24
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Openers & closers
A ski centre fundraising appeal, launched so it could stay open despite a lack of snow, has reached its target. The news was welcomed following the disappointment of a high-profile appearance cancellation. Michael Gove had been set to visit until he was told about the lack of powder.
Sniffer dogs in Ecuador have found more than 6 tonnes of cocaine hidden in a banana shipment. Authorities were delighted to have stopped the goods from making it onto the street and preventing people from potentially suffering from a bad trip.
Archaeologists in Bulgaria have unearthed a marble statue that may depict the Greek messenger god, Hermes. They were unsure at first as to who the statue represented but it was confirmed once they saw the ‘sorry we missed you’ card. (ALT. ‘your parcel has been left with a neighbour’ card).
Episode 6 - Broadcast 26/07/24
Openers & closers
New figures published this week show that farming is one of the UK's most dangerous professions. Even seemingly mundane tasks carry huge amounts of risk, for example when someone brings in a tray of sandwiches after filming has overrun on Clarkson’s Farm.
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The Conservatives will soon start a three-month leadership contest to replace Rishi Sunak, due to end with the announcement of a new Tory leader on 2 November. So remember, remember, the 2nd of November, Won power, Theresa, perhaps not. (ALT: Won power, Braverman, hope not.)
Mattel has unveiled its first ever ‘blind Barbie’ doll, complete with a cane and dark glasses. They were all set to release a companion doll, until someone questioned the advertising strategy: ‘She’s Everything, he’s just Ken Blind.’
Tesla boss Elon Musk says the electric car maker will start producing and using humanoid robots from next year. Showing off the ability to walk about the stage, move its arms around and sort coloured blocks into their respective colours, Elon Musk then stopped for lunch.
Round 1 – Story 1 – Kamala/Democratic Campaign
Kamala Harris wrote a children’s book which teaches that superheroes can be found everywhere in real life, from family members, to friends, to teachers at school and college. Kamala said she tries to surround herself with Superheroes every day, which explains why she has kept so close to, ‘Old Man’.
Round 2 – Story 2 – Overtourism
One of the suggestions for Barcelona is that they twin with another Spanish City and introduce some of its traditions for tourists to experience, residents have overwhelmingly suggested Pamplona.
Episode 7 - Broadcast 02/08/24
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Openers & closers
An Italian pastry chef widely believed to be the person who came up with tiramisu has died aged 81. His funeral will shortly be held before the interment which will see the body softly laid to rest, before being covered over with mascarpone and cocoa.
Non-alcoholic Guinness sales surge among teetotal Gen Z. Consumption of the 0% stout now accounts for 3 percent of the brand’s sales. This revelation handily explains how Gen Z came to be known by their other name; the tick followed tock generation.
A vegan diet may reduce your biological age, according to a new study. Although some dispute this, saying vegans actually come across as far older. Siting the fact that they often repeat themselves, telling you every time they see you, that they are vegan.
An Edinburgh brewery has celebrated its sixth birthday by creating a double-deep-fried caterpillar cake flavoured beer. Brewers are hopeful sales go more quickly than the last time they used caterpillars, as nothing seemed to be happening for months before they started flying off the shelves.
Round 1 – Story 2: Chancellor’s Spending Audit
Following the chancellor’s announcement, Public Finance Minister, Ivan McKee, said that the Scottish government also cannot guarantee it will be able to provide universal winter fuel payments to pensioners, going on to say that ministers would have to make a "quick decision" ahead of winter. Although some have argued that the later the decision is made, the less they will end up having to pay out.
Round 2 – Story 1: Scotland win world schools’ debating championship
Although some weren’t surprised to see Scottish teenagers excelling in mass debating.
Round 3 – Person 2: Ryan Reynolds
It was also announced that Robert Downey Jr will be returning to the MCU, not as Iron Man, but as Doom. Speculation is now rife as to who they will cast alongside him, to play Jessica and Roger Rabbit.
Episode 8 - Broadcast 09/08/24
Openers & closers
A Borders woman is aiming to break a world record for sheep-shearing. Una Cameron, is hopeful of breaking the current record of shearing 458 sheep in a day. However, organisers have warned that it is one of the most difficult records to authenticate, as the counters keep falling asleep.
A US judge has ruled Google acted illegally to crush its competition and maintain a monopoly on online search and related advertising. This was borne out by the disclosure that the most requested thing from Ask Jeeves now was, have you got any spare change.
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A bare-chested rioter was pictured stealing a tray of what appeared to be sausage rolls from Greggs. His identity has not yet been confirmed; however, Police are hopeful that once he got the pastries home, he was rightfully scolded.
The King has asked to be kept updated daily on protests planned around the UK, Sky News understands. Some mistakenly believed he may have been due to visit one of the proposed locations as a number of rioters were seen desperately trying to find Charlie.
The King has asked to be kept updated daily on protests planned around the UK, Sky News understands. The Royal Protection was recently strengthened following the increased prevalence of knife-crime, with a number of rioters overheard saying they were desperate to score Charlie.
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Round 1 – Story 1: Olympics – Week 2
Turkish pistol shooter Yusuf Dikec went viral on social media for his seemingly casual attitude while shooting his way to a silver medal. Although he was quickly upstaged by another Olympian with a novel way of showing off his weapon, French Pole-vaulter, Anthony Ammirati.
Episode 9 - Broadcast 16/08/24
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Openers & closers
Researchers have claimed that horses are much smarter than previously thought. When denied treats for not following the rules of the game, researchers found the horses were able to instantly switch strategies to get more rewards. When asked whether they were concerned that horses weren’t considered to be intelligent animals, one respondent replied *Bang desk/foot on ground twice*
Scientists think they can warm up Mars by blasting glitter into its atmosphere. They say they could use engineered particles made from iron and aluminium that lies on the planet's surface to reflect light and trap escaping heat. Although one Scottish engineer disagreed saying, ‘have you no tried deep-frying it?’.
The former Match of the Day host Des Lynam has said that it is “hard to justify” the amount the BBC pays Gary Lineker for his presenting role. Lineker once again topped the BBC’s recent Best Paid Presenters list. Asked what he would do to reduce the amount the BBC spends on talent, Mr Lynam said, he’d take two from the top and any other four.
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Coca-Cola is launching an Oreo-flavoured drink in collaboration with the biscuit manufacturer. Company executives believe there is an untapped market for biscuit-based drinks, as at many recent events when ordering drinks immediately following a meal, someone always asked for a Digestive. (Digestif)
Coca-Cola is launching an Oreo-flavoured drink in collaboration with the biscuit manufacturer. This follows the successful trial of a Jaffa-Cake inspired drink, Fanta.
Episode 10 - Broadcast 23/08/24
Openers & closers
Inverclyde Council have given the go-ahead for a former hair salon in Greenock's town centre to be turned into a pilates studio. A former worker at the salon was delighted at the news as they have been asked to return due to their skills in conditioning. (ALT: got their job back as a conditioner.)
A personal trainer who threw a box of cocaine worth £900,000 from a moving car during a high-speed police chase has been jailed for more than five years. A weightlifter from the trainer’s gym finally understands why his heart was always racing before even lifting a weight but just after dusting his hands.
For the first time ever, a single gold bar is worth $1 million, thanks to a surge in prices. Although thrifty consumers have said it pays to shop around as they found a 6-pack for a pound at B&M.
Waitrose has announced plans to open 100 new convenience shops over the next five years. These will be very similar to current Spar stores, but without the r.
Waitrose has announced plans to open 100 new convenience shops over the next five years. Although the name of the new stores has not yet been revealed, chances are they’ll be known as a Luxury Spar.