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Episode 1
Episode 1 - Broadcast 11/10/24

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Opening/Closing Gags

Drivers and residents in Dumfries and Galloway have shared frustrations over a 96-mile diversion put in place for an overnight road closure. 96-miles, that’s almost as big a U-turn as ones seen when Boris Johnson was in office.

 

Film cans containing unseen footage of the Thunderbirds TV show have been found in a garden shed in Buckinghamshire. However, owners have forbidden the recordings from being shown until next year’s 60th Anniversary celebrations under a Thunderbirds Embargo!!! (alt: 5-4-3-2-1 Thunderbirds Embargo!!!)

 

Train passengers spend an average of around £7 before every journey at shops in or near stations, research has found. Even more if the stores have sold out of small bottles of water. (alt: It can be double that if the stores don’t have a buy-one-get-one-free offer on small bottles of water.)

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Donald Trump

More recently, Mr Trump's Turnberry course in Ayrshire was cited as the most expensive place to play in the UK after fees rose to up to £1,000 a round. £1,000 a round, that’s the same as when you are out for a quiet drink with Justin Timberlake. (Alt: Oliver Reed et al – 2nd alt: £1,000 a round, or 2 cans of lager and two whisky chasers as it’s known on Ryanair.)

Episode 2 - Broadcast 18/10/24

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Openers & closers

A Glasgow-based woman has written a book about the history of crisps. In CRUNCH: An Ode to Crisps she traces their evolution from the simplicity of salt sachets in the early 20th century, to 80s childhood favourites such as Hula Hoops. The book has widely been well received, although concerns have been raised over the Audiobook version because one of the chapters, Skips.

 

A wooden cross erected in memory of explorer Sir Ernest Shackleton more than a century ago has been unveiled in its new home in Dundee after a near – 8000 mile journey from Antarctica. The huge memorial has been housed in a specially constructed display case which will safeguard it against damage and protect it from the extreme cold.

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The Prince of Wales showed off his ‘unbelievable arm’ playing non-contact American football with youngsters. The Prince looked to be having a great time, but the mood quickly soured when a player was subbed, and someone asked if he was happy with his spare.

 

Parents Reading

In an increasingly demanding world, finding time for bedtime reading can be challenging. Whereas in the past you may have enjoyed classic tales involving Mr. Tickle, Mr. Strong and Mr. Bump; sadly, you’re now more likely to hear Little Miss Can’t be arsed.

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90s Fragrances

The resurgence in classic fragrances explains why Old Spice was one of the recent top trending topics on social media. This will come as a huge disappointment to those that were looking forward to hearing a new single from Geri Halliwell.

Episode 2
Episode 3
Episode 3 - Broadcast 25/10/24
 

Opening Gags

Inverness Caledonian Thistle has been placed into administration as it fights for survival. Commenting on the situation some concerned fans said they feared the worst. Yes, Super Caley pessimists, expect a poor prognosis.

 

Artificial intelligence (AI) has the potential to reduce the number of broken bones missed when doctors analyse X-rays, according to the National Institute for Health and Care Excellence. Although some have disputed this claim saying AI picture generators can’t yet seem to tell when they’ve given a subject six fingers. (Alt: they’ve given a subject an extra finger.)

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Airport hugs

A sign erected in the airport’s drop-off zone warns: “Max hug time 3 minutes. For fonder farewells please use the car park.” And for even fonder farewells please use the car park at Cathkin Braes.

 

Raye

Speaking of her favourite game, Mario Kart, she said: "I genuinely need to think about getting a 1-Up mushroom tattooed on my arm," referring to the famous Super Mario Bros extra-life power-up. She certainly wouldn’t be the first musician to think they’d be invincible after taking magic mushrooms.

Episode 4 - Broadcast 01/11/24
 

Openers & closers

The Kremlin has denied a Wall Street Journal report that Elon Musk and Vladimir Putin have been in regular contact over the last two years. It’s absolutely scandalous to suggest that I would regularly converse with such an egotistical, power-hungry, tyrant, said Mr Putin.

 

A new type of aluminium sail, made in Scotland, could reduce the amount of fuel cargo ships need to transport goods. A 20-metre prototype of the retractable sail has been fitted onto a ship and has undergone sea trials between Southampton and Greenock. That voyage almost didn’t go ahead however as when preparing the sail at the docks, the box it came in ripped so they couldn’t cut it straight. (Alt: That voyage almost didn’t go ahead however as when preparing the sail at the docks, they couldn’t find the end of the roll.)

 

Set Jetting

The term ‘set-jetting’ was first coined by New York Post journalist Gretchen Wilson in 2008. A similar term was devised for those looking to be guided around movie locations that took place in 4 and 5-star lodgings, but it quickly fizzled out as it was hard to convince people to book in for a Total Whore. (Hotel Tour)

 

ALT: The term ‘set-jetting’ was first coined by New York Post journalist Gretchen Wilson in 2008. A similar term was devised for those looking to be guided around movie locations taking place within 4 and 5-star lodgings, but the name was ill judged, and they didn’t have many take them up on the offer of a Total Whore. (Hotel Tour)

Episode 4
Episode 5 - Broadcast 08/11/24

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Openers & closers

A "very rare" slice of wedding cake from the marriage of Queen Elizabeth II and Prince Philip has sold at auction for £2,200.  It was thought that Prince Andrew may have access to additional pieces, but this time when pushed, he was unable to produce tiers.

Episode 5
Episode 6 - Broadcast 15/11/24
 

Openers & closers

Robbie Williams is going on tour next year. The Angels singer, 50, promised his ‘boldest’ shows and teased fans with ‘new music’. Rumours have also been circulating online that he could be joined onstage by a huge guest star, Gary Barlow’s son.

 

The Queen pulled out of a trip to the premiere of Gladiator II this week as she continues to recover from a chest infection. A sequel that many aren’t all that interested in seeing as they believe it could never live up to the original, Camilla married King Charles in 2005.

 

Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson has admitted to peeing in water bottles while on set. Finally concrete proof that Americans don’t have kettles. (Alt: Even Hollywood celebrities can’t escape the cost-of-living crisis and are going to extreme measures to keep warm in bed.)

 

The struggling genetic testing company 23andMe says it will cut 40% of its workforce as it fights for survival. Although no decision has yet been made as to whether it will be changing its name to 13.8andMe.

Episode 6
Episode 7 - Broadcast 22/11/24

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Openers & closers

London's South Bank was transformed into the Emerald City for the European premiere of Wicked. Several high-profile names got into the spirit by dressing like a character; Cynthia Erivo and Ariana Grande wore dresses that mimicked their character’s signature styles and one person even turned up as The Scarecrow. But that turned out to be a coincidence, as Boris Johnson was just passing.

Episode 7
Episode 8 - Broadcast 29/11/24
 

Openers & closers

A senior officer in the British Army has been charged after allegedly taking a decommissioned hand grenade through Scotland's busiest airport. Immediately following the discovery, the Security Hall fell silent, you could have heard a pin drop. But thankfully, they didn’t.

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BROADCAST VERSION: (Thanks to the wonderful Script Editors!)

A Senior British Army Officer has been charged after allegedly carrying a decommissioned hand grenade through Edinburgh Airport. Apparently when they did the X-Ray security went so quiet, you could have heard a pin drop.

Episode 8
Episode 9
Episode 9 - Broadcast 06/12/24

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Openers & closers

Police recovered a stolen van with 2,500 pies after a chef’s appeal, but sadly, they were too damaged to be eaten. While searching for the pies, Officers finally caught a break when someone reported a suspicious looking vehicle containing 60,000 blackbirds.

 

A University of Oxford study has found that peas are a better alternative to meat than fake burgers. More comprehensive research will now take place as so far, they’ve only had the Birds Eye view.

 

Sir Keir Starmer turned on the Christmas lights ahead of his first Christmas as Prime Minister this week. People revelled as Downing Street sparkled magnificently for a short time, before normality resumed, and it all seemed rather dull.

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A serial world record-breaker from Germany reclaimed two of his former titles in a single day by drinking litres of lemon juice and lime juice.

Episode 10 - Broadcast 13/12/24
 

Openers & closers

A government department spent almost £1,200 of taxpayers' money on two ministerial folders, official figures show. Speculation was rife about how much cash could have been wasted had the pair actually stayed in the Poker game.

Episode 10
Breaking the Year - 2024
Breaking the Year 2024 - Broadcast 27/12/24

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Openers & closers

Kamala Harris and Chappell Roan were amongst the most mispronounced words of 2025. People often pronounced the singer/songwriter’s name as ‘Rowan’ instead of ‘Rone’, and when trying to get Kamala, millions of Americans accidentally said Donald.

 

London’s Overground lines were given new names this year: Lioness, Mildmay, Windrush, Weaver, Suffragette and Liberty. Oh wait, or were those the names given to the BBC’s new Gladiators?

 

In November, Ukraine fired US-supplied longer-range missiles at a target inside Russian territory for the first time. This was the biggest story involving a huge weapon’s movement since French Olympic Pole-vaulter, Anthony Ammirati.

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US Election

Trump versus Biden was all set to be the year’s most disappointing sequel, but obviously that all changed come November, when they released Gladiator 2.​

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2025 Predictions

Following an unfortunate typo, the COP30 summit in Brazil is marred by a huge number of disappointed Star Wars fans. (ALT: Following an unfortunate typo, the COP30 summit in Brazil is overrun by fans of Star Wars.)

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