Breaking the News - Series 30
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Episode 1 - Broadcast 14/02/25
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Opening/Closing Gags
A concert by Bryan Adams in the Australian city of Perth was cancelled because of a "large" sewer blockage caused by "fat, grease and rags." Or, as his support act would prefer to be called, Take That.
Scientists have discovered that when given bland food, Cockatoos prefer to use a dip to enhance the flavour. This could catch on with other species so soon you may hear that Polly wants a cracker with cheese.
Coca-Cola may have to sell more drinks in plastic bottles in the US if President Donald Trump's tariffs end up making aluminium cans more expensive, something that could push back its chance of achieving Net Zero, or if you prefer, Diet Net.
Former rugby player Mike Tindall has guest-edited the latest edition of the Beano comic to mark the 45th anniversary of the character Bananaman. Often sporting a cape and said to have ‘the muscles of twenty men and the brains of twenty mussels’, Tindall married Zara Phillips in 2011
A Ryanair flight bound for Germany was grounded for two days in Rome after a stowaway cat was found to have climbed into the plane's electrical bay. Engineers were stunned as they thought the electrics were on the fritz, but it turned out Fritz was on the electrics.
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Renée Zellweger
When asked if she had any second thoughts about playing the character again, Ms. Zellweger said ‘they had me at hello, would you like to earn $10million’
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BTN LONGLIST VERSION: When asked if she had any second thoughts about playing the character again, Renée Zellweger said, “They had me at ‘hello’. Especially when after that they said, ‘Would you like to earn ten million dollars’.”
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Peter Kay
​The heckle we hear most here at BTN is “When is bins”.
Episode 2 - Broadcast 21/02/25
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Openers & closers
Central Cee has made history at the Mobo Awards, becoming the first artist to be named best male act three times. Many were pleased to see a story about the delight of a massive Cee that didn’t involve, Piers Morgan. (ALT: Jeremy Clarkson/Boris Johnson/Donald Trump/Elon Musk)
More than fifty million pounds of public money is being invested in a firm that's planning to build a factory near Glasgow making bottles from wood pulp. Welcome news in that you’ll no longer have to worry about cutting yourself if dropped, although you will have to be careful of splinters.
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BTN LONGLIST VERSION: More than fifty million pounds of public money is being invested in a firm that's planning to build a factory near Glasgow making bottles from wood pulp. Welcome news in that you’ll no longer have to worry about cutting yourself if dropped, although you will have to be careful of splinters.
East Lothian Council has proposed a 10% increase in its council tax; becoming the first Scottish local authority to confirm a double-digit rise. Affected residents have made their feelings known by offering a single-digit response.
A Scottish farming couple are celebrating the production of a sparkling wine - on an old potato field in the Borders. Despite having branched out, the producers are still expecting its product will yield its fair share of roasters.
Edward Gardner
Mr Gardner knew he might have gone too far when he woke up one morning to find a Horn’s head in his bed.
Episode 3 - Broadcast 28/02/25
Opening Gags
A theatre-lover found a 119-year-old message in a bottle during a behind-the-scenes tour of Edinburgh's King's Theatre. And, finally, after months of painstaking effort, experts have managed to extract the note from inside, which reads: when is bins?
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BTN LONGLIST VERSION: A theatre-lover found a 119-year-old message in a bottle during a behind-the-scenes tour of Edinburgh's King's Theatre. Experts have managed to extract the note from inside, which reads: when is bins?
A 40-year-old man has been arrested for allegedly attempting to take 220g of cocaine to the Netherlands by hiding it in a wig. The man was reportedly disappointed that he may now face a custodial sentence as he was hoping to escape with just a fine toupee.
M&S has launched a new AI tool that helps customers choose wine. After answering questions, it will make recommendations as to which wines pair best with which foods - for example, the AI tool recommends a medium to full-bodied red for Beef Wellington and a nice white with six fish fingers.
Episode 4 - Broadcast 07/03/25
Openers & closers
A new TV show based on the children’s party game musical chairs is set to hit screens, tapping into viewers’ cravings for nostalgia and happy childhood memories. Rumours also circulated about a show involving a piñata; but it turned out to be a particularly harrowing scene from the new series of All Creatures Great and Small.
The 2026 World Cup final will stage a Super Bowl-style half-time show for the first time. One suggestion was for an ‘ABBA Voyage’ style virtual show involving a classic American Rock Band known for their face paint and stage outfits, but after the band declined, it was quickly dismissed, as they didn’t want another World Cup Final marred by a non-consensual Kiss.
Demand for sperm, and American sperm in particular, is far outstripping supply. Accordingly American sperm has become one of the country’s priciest resources. It is thought to be that lucrative, Monica Lewisnky is digging out that blue Gap dress.
Episode 5 - Broadcast 14/03/25
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Openers & closers
Children who regularly eat fish could be more sociable and kinder than their peers, a new study suggests. Academics said that encouraging children to eat fish is “likely to have a positive effect on child development,” and that should start with schools, although they may not need to eat that many.
North Korea is hiding a new launch site for intercontinental ballistic missiles (ICBMs) in plain sight, disguising the base as a golf course on the outskirts of Pyongyang. ICBMs have a range of almost 3,500 miles or 6 million yards. Just shy of the distance Kim Jong Un claims he last hit with a 3-wood.
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BTN LONGLIST VERSION: North Korea is hiding a new launch site for ICBM missiles in plain sight, disguising the base as a golf course on the outskirts of Pyongyang. ICBMs have a range of almost 3,500 miles, just shy of the distance Kim Jong Un says he last hit with a 9-iron.
A Scots schoolboy found a World War Two fighter plane buried in his back garden. The teen's discoveries include an ejector seat, and the remains of a cockpit. His mom suspected something was awry when she called him in for his tea and he shouted “not now, I’ve got a bogey on my tail!”
A group of MPs have argued that putting human remains, including bones, skin and hair on display in the UK is offensive and unethical, especially when no consent has been given. Although some disagreed, insisting that consent is specifically given at one of the worst offending viewing sites, the Public Gallery of the House of Lords.
Episode 6 - Broadcast 21/03/25
Openers & closers
The joint administrators of Inverness Caledonian Thistle have announced there have been no offers made to take over the league one club. Having been in administration since October, even the most ardent of fans now fears the worst. Yes, Super Caley optimists, expect a poor prognosis.
The rock band Queen, the jazz pianist Herbie Hancock and the Canadian soprano and conductor Barbara Hannigan have won this year's Polar Music Prize. The award is considered the closest thing music has to a Nobel Prize, but the Polar prize is way cooler.
The UK government has announced that thousands of taxpayer-funded credit cards will be cancelled under plans to crack down on "wasteful" spending. News that was welcomed on opposition benches, with Suella Braverman fully supporting the move, as she is all for withdrawing Visas.
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A robot, developed by a team at the University of Edinburgh, that can make cups of coffee in a busy kitchen, provides a glimpse into “a future where increasingly intelligent machines are commonplace”, a new study suggests. Although some have questioned this, as an earlier prototype got out onto the street and suffered an unfortunate demise after failing to recognise some traffic lights.
Episode 7 - Broadcast 28/03/25
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Openers & closers
Six possums are being cared for at a zoo in West Lothian after being found abandoned outside a Lidl supermarket. Rescuers weren’t sure how best to transport the animals, but thankfully, that week they were doing possum carriers in the middle aisle.
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US Defence Groupchat
This is the biggest controversy involving something accidentally being added to Signal since they brought out that Grean Tea version.
US President Donald Trump says he "doesn't know anything" (BIG PAUSE) Oh, sorry, hadn’t turned the page over, doesn’t know anything. (Smaller pause) oh, no, that is it.
ALT: US President Donald Trump says he "doesn't know anything" (BIG PAUSE) Oh, sorry, hadn’t turned over, doesn’t know anything, about the group chat.
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Edinburgh Summer Ferris Wheel Plans Rejected
Although there is still a chance the wheel could be seen in August, as its pods may be used to provide additional accommodation for the Festival Fringe. - The excellent, Ignacio Lopez, did a very similar joke to this so taking that as a win! His was "I was disappointed to hear that they are not going to have it there for the summer, because I have already paid a deposit on one of the carriages for accommodation for the Fringe Festival."
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Blue Peter Ends Live Broadcasts after 67 years
When the first non-live show is broadcast, you’d be flabbergasted if the continuity announcer didn’t say: “here’s one we made earlier”.
Former presenter, Simon Thomas, said “everything has fragmented now and the way children consume entertainment has changed forever”. Others agreed saying that essentially the Children’s TV landscape is being held together with sticky-back plastic.
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Episode 8 - Broadcast 04/04/25
Openers & closers
Police said they were making inquiries after reports that a fight broke out and a man was assaulted at the end of a comedy gig. This followed earlier claims of child cruelty and theft, after a man’s string of sausages were stolen by a crocodile.
ALT: Police said they were making inquiries after reports that a fight broke out and a man was assaulted at the end of a comedy gig. This followed claims that spectators had earlier witnessed evidence of child cruelty and a robbery, with a man’s string of sausages being stolen by a crocodile.
BTN LONGLIST VERSION: Police said they were making inquiries after reports that a fight broke out and a man was assaulted at the end of a comedy gig. This followed earlier claims of theft, after one man’s string of sausages were stolen by a crocodile.
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The BBC has claimed that Elon Musk’s commitment to free speech on social media is enabling the spread of misinformation. Or, Elon Musk’s devotion to lack of censorship in shared spaces, empowering, states BBC - as it was reported on X.
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A veterinary nurse has been struck off after she fell asleep on an elderly dog during an operation having taking drugs meant for animals. Apparently, this wasn’t the first time she’d fallen asleep at work, although in her defence, last time she was doing an inventory of the sheep.
Planning permission in principle has been granted for the development of the former station yard in the Peeblesshire village of Dolphinton. Dolphinton, not to be confused with the Borders town of Porpoiseville.
An easyJet plane is having to undergo repairs after a large lorry smashed into the fuselage while the aircraft was parked at a Paris airport. Bright orange and visibly damaged, Donald Trump was unavailable for comment.
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BTN LONGLIST VERSION: An easyJet plane is undergoing repairs after a large lorry smashed into the fuselage while it was parked at a Paris airport. Bright orange and visibly damaged, Donald Trump was unavailable for comment.
Ryanair Chief executive Michael O'Leary has announced they are launching a subscription discount scheme. The airline is looking to sell 250,000 Ryanair Prime subscriptions in the next year. So, for a monthly fee, you can look forward to being transported to your destination and then left behind some bins.
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BTN LONGLIST VERSION: Ryanair have announced they are launching a subscription discount scheme called Ryanair Prime. So for a monthly fee, you can look forward to being transported to your destination, and then left behind some bins.
Episode 9 - Broadcast 11/04/25
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Openers & closers
An MP has warned that due to a sanction’s “loophole”, fish fingers found in Scottish chippies and supermarkets, may contain Russian fish. Chippy owners had begun to suspect something was awry when items started falling out of the range windows.
Human urine that has been matured in the sun for at least a month appears to be both a fertiliser and an effective pesticide. Researchers stumbled across these findings when examining how well plants were growing round the back of Amazon Delivery Driver Depots.
UK doctors have reported an increase in Victorian-era diseases such as scabies. This has come as quite the shock as many hadn’t realised that GP wait times had gotten that long.
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BTN LONGLIST VERSION: UK doctors have reported an increase in Victorian-era diseases such as scabies. This has come as quite the shock, as they hadn’t realised GP wait times had gotten quite that bad.
Episode 10 - Broadcast 18/04/25
Openers & closers
To help protect a rare species of bird, Canoeists, paddleboarders and swimmers could be asked NOT to use the east end of a loch south of Inverness. Although some believe it may actually be a ruse in an effort to keep away, Ed Davey.
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BTN LONGLIST VERSION: To help protect a rare species of bird, canoeists, paddleboarders and swimmers could be asked not to use the east end of a loch south of Inverness. Although some believe it may actually be a ruse to keep away Ed Davey.
A couple from Aberdeenshire left an Asda supermarket with more than they bargained for after welcoming their son in the store’s car park. Something similar was thought to have taken place inside a nearby Lidl, but it turned out that one of the specials on the middle aisle that week was placenta.
Edinburgh Trams has announced it has reached a major milestone for its new “Tap on, Tap off” payment system. Not to be confused with Govan Subway Station in Glasgow’s “taps-aff” dress code. (ALT: A place in Edinburgh, Leith, for example.)