Breaking the News - Series 33
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Episode 1 - Broadcast 20/02/26
Opening/Closing Gags
Six companies linked to the former Duchess of York, Sarah Ferguson, are being wound down, documents filed with Companies House show. In fact, things are so desperate that Budgie is now operating as an Uber.
BTN SCRIPT/LONGLIST VERSION: Six companies linked to the former Duchess of York, Sarah Ferguson, are being wound down, documents filed with Companies House show. Things are so desperate that Budgie the Little Helicopter is now an Uber.
Free Tuition Threat
The ‘Barnett squeeze’ is the colloquial name given to the formula used to work out the per capita spending between the four nations of the UK and not one of the allegations levelled at Gregg Wallace.
Video Game Franchise
If the game is a success, its makers want to develop a new spin-off that would be even-more twisted and disturbing, set in a desolate dystopian high-rise wasteland, and called, Maryhill.
BTN SCRIPT/LONGLIST VERSION: If the game is a success, its makers want to develop a new spin-off that would be even-more twisted and disturbing, set in a desolate dystopian high-rise wasteland, and called, Maryhill.
Episode 2 - Broadcast 27/02/26
Opening/Closing Gags
Pubs and bars in Edinburgh will be able to stay open through the night for World Cup football matches this summer. Although during the latter stages of the tournament, booths in some venues will be unavailable, as they will have already begun preparing them for their use as accommodation during the Festival Fringe.
Some UK shops are locking Chocolate bars in plastic boxes as retailers and police warn thieves are stealing them to order. Although mainly used to protect ‘family-sized’ bars, Galaxy has said that its standard bars will soon also be safeguarded, due to the Ripple effect.
The Alba Party's leader has claimed that its financial difficulties are the result of it being defrauded. Although they hope to announce a far-more positive financial outlook shortly. Just as soon as the funds have been transferred by the Nigerian Prince.
Former Scottish Conservative leader Douglas Ross has been banned from parliament for a day after questioning the presiding officer's impartiality. Alison Johnstone had tried to give Mr. Ross the benefit of the doubt, but having watched events back on video, she had no choice but to give him his marching orders.
Alan Carr Scottish Castle
When Ayton Castle was previously sold in 2011 it ignited a family row between the lady of the manor and her stepson - so it’s nice to see a less controversial story this week involving turrets
Episode 3 - Broadcast 06/03/26
Opening/Closing Gags
The Scottish justice system has been told it's time to enter the twenty-first century following a review which found that courts are still using second class post to summon witnesses. The Crown Office and Procurator Fiscal Service apologised, saying it absolutely intends to embrace digital technology, just as soon as they’ve got new toner for the fax.
BTN SCRIPT/LONGLIST VERSION: The Scottish justice system has been told it's time to enter the twenty-first century, after a review found courts are still using second class post to summon witnesses. The Crown Office and Procurator Fiscal Service apologised, saying it absolutely intends to embrace digital technology, just as soon as they’ve got new toner for the fax.
Warner Bros has announced it is to open a 21,000 sq ft Harry Potter store on the busy Oxford Street in London. The Company intends to create an easy to navigate, maze-style layout – similar to Flying Tiger Copenhagen’s stores, although as it’s Harry Potter themed, you’ll go through diagonally.
Ferguson Contracts
The contracts contracts were set to be awarded elsewhere until a change at the last minute, in what some are calling yet another blatant example of Fergie time.
Episode 4 - Broadcast 13/03/26
Opening/Closing Gags
Sir Paul McCartney has revealed that Yoko Ono once told him she believed her husband John Lennon “might have been gay.” The former Beatle dismissed the claim even when Yoko insisted the original lyrics John wrote during their infamous "Bed-In" were, ‘All we are saying is give Pete a chance’.
In an effort to bolster British defences in the region, the Royal Navy has deployed one of its destroyers from Portsmouth to the Eastern Mediterranean - the HMS Dragon. Large, frightening and often seen spewing fire, Gordon Ramsay was unavailable for comment.
It has been discovered that Hedgehogs are capable of picking up sounds at much higher frequencies than humans and many other larger animals. So, if more cars had squeaky brakes, more of them would stand a chance.
Episode 5 - Broadcast 20/03/26
Opening/Closing Gags
Cardiff Metropolitan University found that elite runners who soaked in 40° C water for 45 minutes five days a week significantly improved their performance. Although they also stressed that doing so may be somewhat disorientating, particularly straight after getting out of the washing machine.
Episode 6 - Broadcast 27/03/26
Opening/Closing Gags
Sharks ‘have best friends and go swimming together’. Although when I asked one who was swimming alone recently where their best friend was, it said ‘you wouldn’t know them, they’re from a different School.’
Attractions Group, Merlin, has written down the value of Madame Tussauds by £262m. The overvaluation was blamed on an error which was only discovered when the company tried to raise huge funds by selling off its stocks of ‘Ruby Wax’.
Episode 7 - Broadcast 03/04/26
Opening/Closing Gags
A woman who claimed more than £23,000 in benefits, saying she was too ill to go outside, was caught surfing and ziplining in Mexico. Suspicions were aroused on a home visit as when asked where her pills were, she started whacking a Piñata.
A Tesco store in Kirkwall has been giving away bananas after accidentally ordering around 38,000 of them, almost twice Orkney’s population. When they asked the head of buying why they’d ordered so many, they replied [DES DOES MONKEY/CHIMP NOISES] (You’re welcome, Des!)
Jamie Lee Curtis
Jamie Lee Curtis is also known for her role in True Lies. That too is getting remade, daily during President Trump’s briefings.
Episode 8 - Broadcast 10/04/26
Opening/Closing Gags
A 300‑million‑year‑old fossil, previously thought to be the oldest known octopus, has been identified as a different animal. Scientists that made the discovery 25-years ago apologised, blaming speech recognition software for obviously mishearing and thinking they’d said that the animal had ‘tentacles.’
Saunas Become the new pub
Dr Geoff Combs, lecturer in sport and exercise science at Bangor University stated that safety around its use was important, saying: "Listen to your body and be aware that you could overheat - make sure you're hydrating before… and just start slow. "I mean, go in for a few minutes, see how you feel, take a break.” And if you’re still not sure, maybe try a different pub to a Wetherspoon’s
Episode 9 - Broadcast 17/04/26
Opening/Closing Gags
Colombian officials have authorised a plan to cull dozens of hippos descended from animals brought to the country in the 1980s by Pablo Escobar, after the feral beasts displaced native species and threatened local villagers. One farmer recalls the devastation as hippos devoured his entire crop of snowball melons. He would have lost his family’s fortune; had he not sold the idea to MB Games. (Alt: Hasbro)
The White House has unveiled plans for a gold-accented giant victory arch dubbed the "Arc de Trump", that Donald Trump wants built in the nation's capital. If commissioned they may look to build further French-inspired monuments in Washington, although not everyone wants another eyeful.
Lottery Shakeup
The jackpot for current lottery game, Set For Life, is £10,000 a month. But that too will soon be known by a new name, Petrol For A Week.
BTN SCRIPT/LONGLIST VERSION: The jackpot for current lottery game, Set For Life, is £10,000 a month. But that too will soon be known by a new name, Petrol For A Week.
Episode 10 - Broadcast 24/04/26
Opening/Closing Gags
A couple who won their bungalow in the 1960s, in a competition run by the developers that built the estate, have now scooped £142,857 in a postcode lottery win. Pamela and Anthony Hiscocks, 79 and 82, can’t believe their continuing good fortune saying the win will finally allow them to own their adjoining garage – which the developers have just valued at exactly £142,857.
Two drug mules tried to smuggle £1 million of cannabis into Scotland on Christmas Day. The pair thought they had managed to cleverly disguise themselves, but a white-bearded man noticed something wasn’t quite right with one of the reindeer pulling his sleigh.
Lufthansa has said 20,000 short-haul flights are being cut from its schedule this summer, allowing it to save on the soaring cost of jet fuel. Some Budget airlines will offer increased journeys on affected routes including Frankfurt, Munich and Prague - or as Ryanair call it, Berlin South (ALT: Poznań - Berlin East).