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Episode 1
Episode 1 - Broadcast 23/06/23

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Opening/Closing Gags

“Firstly, are you okay” (I thought a few would have sent this in, and that they'd probably already decided to open with it, but looks like myself and Mr Docherty are at least two people that have been credited with it! My first BTN credit in almost 2 years! ðŸ™‚)

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Research suggests that as food prices soar, in order to save money people are increasingly cooking with their microwaves. It does seem to be a trend that in times of austerity, people often prepare food unconventionally.

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Round 1

At the end of that round, well done to our teams as it’s all square. Now we’ve just got time for a quick mini retirement before we crack on with Round 2.

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Round 2 – Story 1 – Napping is good for the brain

I love that one of the researchers was called Dr Garfield. I’m surprised that along with the benefits of napping they didn’t also recommend hating Mondays and eating lasagne. (Panellist Pierre Novellie said stuff very similar to this, always nice to be on the same wavelength as a pro comedian! 👊)

Episode 2 - Broadcast 30/06/23

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Openers & closers

A gull has been caught on camera swallowing a squirrel whole. Footage shared online shows the bird gobbling down the animal, which may have been eaten alive. In fairness, the squirrel had just eaten a spider, so the gull was just trying to get the rhyme back on track.

 

Mel C has confirmed that all of the Spice Girls would like to return to play Glastonbury Festival next year. People are already looking forward to seeing Posh Sporty Baby, Ginger and Scary, although Harry and Meghan might take both kids.

 

Pink was left stunned after a fan threw their mother's ashes on stage while she performed in London. At first they thought it may have been another Just Stop Oil protest, but it turned out the mother was just from Essex.

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​A large African huntsman spider has been found in Edinburgh, after it stowed away in a traveller's suitcase. A passenger on another flight tried to bring a taxidermied vulture on board, but was denied as they hadn’t paid for carry on luggage.

 

Round 1 – Story 2 – Supermarket Bosses Quizzed

Most of the big chains have recently introduced high profile price cuts to staples, although paper clips remain at an all-time high.

 

Round 2 – Story 1 – Costly Mistake- Cleaner Destroys 25 Years Of Research By Turning Off Lab Freezer

A cleaner has been accused of wiping out 25 years of research after turning off a laboratory freezer to stop an “annoying” beeping sound. I suppose we should just be thankful they didn’t work in an intensive care unit.

 

Round 2 – Story 2 – Scottish Tourist Tax Plans

The Bill provides a framework for local authorities to decide how money raised should be spent within local communities. For example, money raised from a tourist tax in Edinburgh in August, could pay for all Dunediners to take the rest of the year off!

Episode 2
Episode 3
Episode 3 - Broadcast 07/07/23
 

Openers & closers

A landmark Edinburgh hotel which has hosted the late Queen, a former US president and a number of Hollywood stars has been sold. The Caledonian Waldorf Astoria Hotel has been acquired by a property investment manager and hotel operator in a deal said to be worth £85m. Although that price will rise if they want to continue using it after the Festival Fringe.

Episode 4 - Broadcast 14/07/23
 

Openers & closers

UK banks are strong enough to withstand a fresh economic crisis, according to the Bank of England. Although they will have to continue to make some tough financial decisions; like no longer paying £10 for coming second in a beauty contest.

 

A charity has earned £10,000 from a rare copy of The Hobbit found among donations at a shop in Dundee. Set in an ancient time between the age of Faerie and the dominion of men in a fantasy world, Dundee is Scotland’s fourth largest city.

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Submitted two versions of the below gag and I subsequently found out that the second one made the long list. And, ended up in the scripts exactly as written!

 

An American woman's unusual collection earned her a Guinness World Records title when the organisation confirmed she owns 1,618 different packaged toothbrushes. The woman happily accepted a certificate for the award but brushed off the plaque.

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An American woman's unusual collection earned her a Guinness World Records title when the organisation confirmed she owns 1,618 different packaged toothbrushes. The woman happily accepted a certificate for the award but declined the plaque.

Episode 4
Episode 5 - Broadcast 21/07/23

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Openers & closers

Staff at a Ministry of Defence (MoD) missile depot in North Ayrshire are striking over retention bonuses. The GMB union claims action at the Defence Munitions depot in Beith could threaten supplies. They now intend to use pre-planned contingency measures to ensure the continued operation saying, how hard can it be, it’s not exactly Rocket Science.

 

A Crown Jewels guide in which a racist term appeared more than 40 times has been removed by the Royal Collection Trust from its website. Other guides are now being checked to see that they too weren’t edited by the late Duke of Edinburgh.

 

A first-generation iPhone from 2007 has sold at auction in the US for more than £145,000 -300 times its original sale price. The buyer can look forward to enjoying a phone with 4GB RAM, a 32-bit 620 MHz processor and a battery that lasts about 15-minutes.

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Critics have welcomed Amol Rajan as he presented his first episode of BBC Two quiz show University Challenge. He was lauded for being “lighter, kinder and more passionate” than previous host Jeremy Paxman, a fact that was borne out when he took the winning team out for dinner and ordered a starter for 10.

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I've included the gags I submitted below, but this story was replaced after I'd sent these in. (Not because my gags were so bad. Hopefully.)

Round 1 – Story One: Asylum Seeker Barge

Barges have only recently been considered as a way to get around some suggestions that immigrants be kept under lock and quay.

 

Vessels have been "used successfully" in the past year to house people in Scotland. Although that wasn’t the intended purpose, it was in fact a broken down CalMac ferry.

Episode 5
Episode 6 - Broadcast 28/07/23
 

Openers & closers

A mystery work which was recently found to "undoubtedly" be by Raphael has gone on show in Bradford, the first time it has ever been seen on public display. Its link to Raphael was confirmed due to its clarity of form, ease of composition and smell of pizza.

 

Four climate activists were arrested after chaining themselves to an old washing machine in a protest at the Ineos oil refinery in Grangemouth. Police had no choice but to intervene as the machine’s display showed a minute remaining and they couldn’t risk the disruption lasting indefinitely.

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An Iowa man with more than 250 Guinness World Records to his name attempted to recapture one of his previous titles by balancing a guitar on his forehead for 1 hour, 46 minutes, 34 seconds. He’s since said he’s unlikely to try and break the record further, as during the latest attempt he’d felt under threat.

Episode 6
Episode 7 - Broadcast 04/08/23

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Openers & closers

A pub is selling what it claims is the cheapest pint of Guinness in the UK – for just £2. The Feathers, in Worcester, is offering a pint for less than half of its average price. People are being advised that this may inevitably lead to delays at the bar, but good things come to those who wait.

 

Humza Yousaf has dismissed claims he is wasting taxpayers' money on independence campaigning. This has been an unfortunate theme for the SNP Party of late, as the previous leader was accused of unrepentant campervanning.

 

A major shake-up of the way alcohol is taxed could leave many drinks now costing more. Under what the Treasury says are new "common-sense" principles, tax is being levied according to a drink's strength. This means that a diluting juice drink made by your mom will cost significantly less than one you make yourself.  

 

A zoo in eastern China has reassured visitors its sun bears are real rather than humans in disguise, after footage of one animal standing like a person sent rumours flying online. The claim wasn’t helped however when one of the bears was later seen going off into the woods with a rolled-up newspaper.

 

A lost image of Bonnie Prince Charlie has been uncovered on a piece of Jacobite memorabilia using X-rays. It was discovered behind the well-known Highlander Portrait. They are now trying to ascertain who is responsible for the painting, with several artists vying for the honour, but there can be only one.

 

Harry Potter fans have been celebrating the character's birthday with movie marathons, outfits and 'butterbeer'. The popular wizard was given the date of birth 31 July 1980. People have been speculating as to what the character would be up to now- would he and Ginny still be together; would he still be using the Hogwarts Express or would he have bought a new car? All things that will be explored in the upcoming book, Harry Potter and the Midlife Crisis.

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​The prime minister was heckled as he toured a London beer festival to mark a change in alcohol duty that came into effect this week. Although there may have been some confusion as what festival goers were actually saying was, they preferred a lively blonde over a stiff short.

 

ROUND 1 - STORY 2: NEW OIL AND GAS LICENCES IN NORTH SEA

Mr Sunak also defended his plans to fly to Scotland on a private plane as "an efficient use of time for the person running the country." He had originally asked for a chopper, but this was denied as there were fears he wouldn’t be able to see over the handlebars.

Episode 7
Episode 8 - Broadcast 11/08/23
 

Openers & closers

I've subsequently found out that a version of this joke made the long list. My submitted version is first, and then the version that was in the scripts is next.

World champion road cyclist Mathieu van der Poel has given credit for his win to the hospitality of a Scots couple who let him use their loo. The Dutch superstar was caught short after protestors stopped the race in the Carron Valley, near Falkirk, but he was welcomed into the home - and toilet - of Davie Findlay and wife Shona, where he took care of business. Mr van der Poel was thrilled to have triumphed in the race and thanked the couple for helping him see off his number two.

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BTN Script Editors version

World champion road cyclist Mathieu van der Poel has given credit for his win to the hospitality of a Scots couple, who let him use their loo after protestors stopped the race. The couple were said to be delighted to play a small part in his eventual victory, by helping him see off his number two.

 

Meta boss Mark Zuckerberg has said he is "not holding his breath" over a proposed cage fight with rival Elon Musk. Mr Musk hopes to now use this to his advantage by changing the venue of the fight to a shark cage.

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A Floridian resident has won a $1.58 billion on the Mega Millions jackpot - the third largest ever in US history. The win catapults them into the top 1800 richest people in the world and means they could afford anything from Private Jets and Luxury Yachts to 3 nights in a B&B during the Festival Fringe.

 

Nicola Sturgeon has announced she is writing a memoir. The former first minister announced her book will be published by Pan MacMillan following a nine-publisher auction bid. Titles suggested for the as-yet-untitled memoir so far include The SNP & Me, Sturgeon Venerable, and Campervan, ran, thank you ma’am.

 

Authorities in Moscow have unveiled a new schoolbook which aims to justify the war on Ukraine and accuses the West of trying to destroy Russia. This will act as a companion piece to the previous children’s book Russia published in 2014, Pyotr and Yana Annexe Crimea.

Episode 8
Episode 9 - Broadcast 18/08/23

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Openers & closers

Scotland has a contender in the Woodland Trust’s Annual Tree of the Year competition, a walnut tree on the outskirts of Perth. Advocates looking to secure support may bring in someone to maximise the vote. So, it’s possible we could yet see a Walnut Whip.

 

Banners dotted around a constituency calling MP Nadine Dorries a "dosser" were "embarrassing", the chair of the Mid Bedfordshire Conservatives said. Some had tried to blame it on a typo, until it was pointed out that the ‘d’ isn’t really close enough to the ‘t’.

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A comedy show featuring Father Ted writer Graham Linehan in Edinburgh has been cancelled due to complaints. Leith Arches said it had pulled the gig because it did not support the comedian, and his views do "not align with our overall values". Mr Linehan was unhappy with the decision saying the show must be allowed to go on go on go on go on go on go on...

 

A cat who escaped while boarding a plane with her owner at Denver International Airport was safely recaptured after more than a day on the loose. The pair had already been at the airport for some considerable time before the ordeal, as it had taken them many hours to get through security, although it was still a remarkably short wait for a cat scan.

 

A rare species of tropical bird documented only once before in the UK has been spotted near the Isles of Scilly. The red-footed booby is a seabird native to the Galápagos Islands, more than 6,000 miles away. The last time a red-footed booby was recorded was by my uncle, when he accidentally taped an episode of Eurotrash.

Episode 9
Episode 10 - Broadcast 25/08/23
 

Openers & closers

The Scottish government is proposing to decriminalise the possession of drugs for personal use to "help and support people rather than criminalise and stigmatise them". Although the proposal won’t come into effect immediately, it is being treated as a high priority.

 

Storm Hillary is the first tropical storm to hit California in eight decades. It has broken rainfall records, flooded parts of the state and grounded flights, and the governor has called a state of emergency. The fallout has been felt across the country, with one Floridian resident calling for it to be locked up.

 

Charles Martinet, the voice behind Nintendo's famous character Mario, is to step down from the role, the gaming giant has announced. Whoever takes on the role next will certainly have some big shoes to fill. Even bigger if they swallow a Super Mushroom.

Episode 10
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