

Breaking the News - Series 26
Jump to an episode
Episode 1 - Broadcast 23/10/23
Opening/Closing Gags
The Mayor of London has said that the possibility of bedbugs on the capital’s public transport is “a real source of concern”. Prone to causing skin rashes, psychological effects, and allergic symptoms, the London Underground opened in 1863.
An experimental catapult designed to launch World War Two bomber planes into the sky has been unearthed in Oxfordshire. Along with the catapult, other finds included large lights from a nearby runway, a Spigot Mortar-type gun emplacement and the outline of a Coyote. (An alternative punchline I suggested for this was 'and the remains of a coyote' - but I was concerned that might be too harsh!)
A research study in the Cairngorms is hoping to help protect one of Scotland's most endangered bird species by counting the number of voles. A previous study in the North West of England is to be reassessed as it turned out there weren't actually 4,000 voles in Blackburn, Lancashire
A rare species of "skin eating" beetle has been found living on an island off the coast of Cardiff. The Dermestes undulatus beetle, feeds on the skin, fur and bones of dead animals. Dermestes literally means skin-eater, so a more-modern and less-scary sounding name is being sought for the insect, the current front runner of which is Ringo.
Episode 2 - Broadcast 20/10/23
Openers & closers
Subsequently found out that a version of this gag made the long list. What I submitted is followed by the the version that was in the scripts.
Coca-Cola has unveiled plans to make its bottle tops from carbon dioxide taken out of the atmosphere. The Company says it will have to make "radical bets" on new technologies in order to accomplish its 2040 goal of achieving Net Coke Zero.
BTN Script Editors version
Coca-Cola has unveiled plans to make its bottle tops from carbon dioxide taken out of the atmosphere. It’s all part of their plan to achieve Net Zero, or if you prefer, Diet Net.
A bomb squad has disposed of an explosive device found in an Edinburgh canal. Concerns were raised as to how they would transport the item from the canal for safe detonation, but thankfully they were able to quickly source an old fridge and a shopping trolley.
Edinburgh council has backed a call to consider banning "gas-guzzling" SUVs from parts of the city. Although some have argued that dispensation could be made for certain times of the year, particularly August, as they could then continue to be rented out as luxury holiday homes for fringe-goers.
Under-18s are coming from England to Wales for Botox as there is no law preventing it, campaigners have said. England banned Cosmetic Botox and lip fillers for under-18s in 2021, and since then teenagers quickly began travelling to Wales, although they have slowed down considerably since the 17th of September.
Episode 3 - Broadcast 27/10/23
Openers & closers
Chinese authorities are investigating after a viral video appeared to show a worker from Tsingtao urinating into a tank, believed to contain ingredients for its popular beer. Company bosses say employees may have regrettably misunderstood a recent email encouraging them to do everything they could to make their beer number one.
People who live near a factory in Wales which produces 400 tonnes of pizza cheese a week, have described the smell as "unbearable" and "affecting our quality of life". Residents have suggested production be switched to a less fragrant variety, such as those the Swiss produce, but this was dismissed as Emmental decision.
Round 3: People in the news – Person 1: Nicola Sturgeon
Passing first time is by no means easy, however completing the test in the instructor’s car was probably a doddle compared to the vehicle she had to learn in. It can’t have been easy trying to parallel park when all you can see in your rear view mirror is a table and chairs, a 32” TV and a double bed. (Delighted to say a version of this made it on air! What was actually said was: "Passing first time isn't easy; especially when you consider the vehicle she had to learn in. It's very tough to parallel park when all you can see in your rear view mirror is a 32" telly and a double bed." Superbly delivered by the fantastic Des Clarke. Now with added video of the audio!
Oooh, have we got a video!
Episode 4 - Broadcast 03/11/23
Openers & closers
Network Rail has submitted proposals to Aberdeen city council including the potential reinstatement of the long-disused Platform 8 as part of wider improvements on the line linking Aberdeen to the Central Belt; or as it's known to Simon Cowell, The Sternum.
Couldn't decide which worked better on the following so sent them both. Think the second probably works best. I since found out that a version of this gag made it into the long list. My two submitted versions are first followed by the much better version that was in the scripts. Although the punchline remains the same 😃
A policeman who became a national joke in Italy after being sacked for clocking in for work in his underpants has had the last laugh after a court ordered he be given his job back. His patrol partner welcomes his return, but recommends he be placed on desk duties for a spell, as he's not quite recovered from seeing his bobby on the beat.
A policeman who became a national joke in Italy after being sacked for clocking in for work in his underpants has had the last laugh after a court ordered he be given his job back. Superior officers have welcomed his return, as it has been a while since people have seen a bobby on the beat.
BTN Script Editors version
An Italian court has ordered a policeman be given his job back, after he was sacked for going to work in his underpants. Local citizens have welcomed his return, as it’s been a while since they’ve seen a boaby on the beat.
A company known for holding sex parties has launched an app described as the ‘AutoTrader’ of the online adult dating world. A classified advertising marketplace known for offering anything from high-end luxury models to clapped-out old bangers, the social dating platform is available now.
Dictionary writers at Collins have named 'AI' as their word of the year for 2023. Short for artificial intelligence, lexicographers say it has become dominant in conversation this year. Although the use of AI in the Scottish Dialect can be traced back much further, particularly when asked a question you weren’t properly listening to. What’s that Hen? Eh? Aye! (Sorry once again to my Scottish brethren!)
A senior Met Police officer who drew up the force's anti-drugs strategy has been sacked for refusing to provide a urine sample for cannabis testing. Further suspicions were raised when re-examining the policy document and it was noticed it had been written on rizla paper.
Episode 5 - Broadcast 10/11/23
Openers & closers
A man depicted on the album cover of Led Zeppelin IV has been revealed as a 19th Century thatcher. An academic found the original picture when looking through a photograph album for other research and wondered who the guy with the twigs was stood next to Joe Biden. (I've put this on here, but I didn't actually submit it as the email was still in my drafts the morning of the show! 🤦♂️)
Episode 6 - Broadcast 17/11/23
Openers & closers
The Managing Director of supermarket chain Iceland has said it will not roll out a Christmas advert this year and will instead spend the money supporting its customers during the cost-of-living crisis. And that’s why Mum’s gone to M&S.
Subsequently found out this made it into the long list. Pleasingly it was in the scripts exactly as written.
A five-star hotel for chickens has opened in Kent - with soft bedding, full menu and Wendy house and swings. Although not all of the resort’s facilities were a hit with the guests, particularly the solarium, which turned out to be a rotisserie.
A plane was forced to return to an airport shortly after taking off when a horse got loose on board. Around half an hour after leaving New York on its way to Belgium, the Boeing 747 cargo plane contacted air traffic control to inform them of the escaped animal. Although this does now answer the question, why the long delays.
Round 2: Public Opinion – Story 2: Health Secretary Michael Matheson agrees to pay back £11k iPad bill
Another one that made the long list! And again, it went into the scripts as is 👊
On Wednesday the Scottish Parliament released a breakdown of the data usage. The document revealed Scotland's health secretary was billed more than £7,000 of fees in just one day. Although in fairness, that day it was a particularly tricky Wordle.
Episode 7 - Broadcast 24/11/23
Openers & closers
An Australian man has converted his spare bedroom into a “shrine to Barbie” with a £25,000 collection of 450 Barbie products, including Barbie and Ken dolls, dream houses and video tapes, which he says is “his pride and joy”. Although he thinks ‘she's everything’ his friends think he’s just ‘Ken mad.
American President, Joe Biden, presided over the annual White House Thanksgiving tradition of the turkey pardon on Monday, sparing a 42.5-pound specimen, called Liberty and a 42.1 pound bird called Bell. Evolving in North America over 20 million years ago and with a distinctive fleshy wattle, President Biden is hoping for a second-term.
Michael Sheen is to star as the Duke of York in a series based on the Newsnight interview that wrecked his reputation. Sheen has been widely praised for portraying well-known figures throughout his career and asked whether he was confident he could bring something to the role of Andrew, he said yes, no sweat.
One of Scotland's oldest surviving churches has held its last regular Sunday service. Birnie Kirk, on the outskirts of Elgin in Moray, was built in 1140. Members of the Congregation had looked to invite Joe Biden as their guest of honour, as it would have been a nice way to round it off, what with him having been there for its opening.
Round 1: Headline News - Story 1: Latest from the Covid Inquiry
Sir Patrick Vallance also said the then-PM Boris Johnson had been "bamboozled" by some science. And in hindsight they probably should have got him to try and understand it another way rather than by playing a quiz game on Teletext.
Episode 8 - Broadcast 01/12/23
Openers & closers
A password on a slip of paper was lost by a Ministry of Defence worker at a petrol station. It is hoped that the password may have been partly encrypted, as marks on the paper clearly looked like they contained four-star.
Round 1: Headline News - Story 1: Rishi Sunak cancels meeting with Greek PM over Elgin Marbles row
This is the biggest scandal involving Britain and Greece since Tom Conti’s accent in Shirley Valentine.
Round 2: Public Opinion - Story 2: Christmas Dinners are at risk
Heavy rainfall including from Storm Agnes, Babet and Ciaran have meant waterlogged farms have struggled to produce as many vegetables as Brits might normally expect to see in time for Christmas. One carrot farmer said it was so bad his field looked like a snowman graveyard.
Round 3: People in the news - Story 1: Michael Gove
Cabinet Secretary Simon Case said working with Mr Johnson’s team was like “taming wild animals”. When you think about some of the performances at Prime Ministers questions, this isn’t that surprising. What with Boris Johnson’s braying, Nadine Dorries’s screeching, and even Mr Gove with the occasional toot.
Episode 9 - Broadcast 08/12/23
Openers & closers
A Scottish council has ruled out the possibility of parking charges on public roads and in its car parks. It also reportedly plans to keep the £10 payout for those winning second prize in a Beauty Contest.
Round 1: Headline News - Story 1: Boris Johnson at Covid Enquiry
Johnson said, 'We couldn't wait longer to lock down, we ran out of wiggle room.’ It’s not known if the room was called this before they put up that wallpaper.
Episode 10 - Broadcast 15/12/23
Openers & closers
Rishi Sunak has robustly defended his Eat Out To Help Out scheme, implemented in summer 2020, saying it prevented "devastating" job losses. Although some have counteracted this claim, saying it was already busy enough in hospitals.
Top-flight football in Greece will be played behind closed doors for the next two months in an effort to clamp down on violence at sporting events. Greece has witnessed some disgraceful scenes recently and some say it can all be traced back to a disagreement in a contest involving marbles.
Scottish Ballet is retelling the classic fairytale Cinderella - with a man sometimes in the lead role. Audiences attending the production of Cinders will not know until the curtain goes up whether the main character will be a man or a woman. Or whether they may go on to work in Cyber.
A town's decision to display English language Christmas lights rather than the Welsh version for the second-year running is a festive blow to some. A number of people in Cardigan, Ceredigion, said they wanted to see Nadolig Llawen this year, instead of only Merry Christmas. The row was further exacerbated when it was asked what they were intending to use for the Town’s snowman’s nose and somebody replied, Moron - the Welsh word for carrot.
Round 2: Public Opinion - Story 1: Christmas Music/Christmas Number 1
Northampton Town’s matchday DJ apologised for playing Last Christmas by Wham!, potentially knocking more than 7,000 people out of cult game ‘Whamageddon’. A similar issue was feared at Livingston FC, but thankfully the track only gets played when the home team scores a goal.
Round 3: People in the news – Person 2: Lee Samuel – Panto Star in on-stage proposal
Lee Johnston said he wanted the proposal to be a surprise and take him "totally off guard". It certainly caught the audience off guard as they definitely hadn’t expected a man to get down on one knee and proposition his Boabby.
Breaking the Year 2023 - Broadcast 28/12/23 (TV) 29/12/23 (Radio)
Opening Gags
A year in which Tesco had to recall its Christmas stuffing for fear it may contain moths, something they’d hoped to keep quiet, but it quickly came to light.
2023 saw us celebrate 100 years of BBC Scotland, and as a special tribute, the Government is doing all it can to revert the licence fee back to 1923 levels.
2023 saw the release of ‘Now and Then’ a track dubbed "the last Beatles song". Although the song was well received, some argued that the video relied too heavily on the use of CGI and looked unrealistic. This was particularly evident in one of the shots of John Lennon, as in the background you could clearly see Ringo playing in time.
Round 1: Broken News – Story 1: Nicola/Humza & The Greens
During her resignation speech, Nicola Sturgeon said the job “takes its toll on you and those around you” and that cost ultimately proved too much. Of course, the toll might have been less if she’d just taken a car through it, and not the campervan.
Round 3: People in the News – Person 2: David Tennant
Colin from Accounts was a big hit on our screens this year, the show starts with a woman pulling down her top to thank a guy in a car, before he then inadvertently runs over a dog. Some have compared it to one of this year’s biggest movies, Oppenheimer; as similarly in that, there’s a quick flash and then untold pain and suffering.
Closing Gags – 2024 Predictions
Sir Keir Starmer finally gets his hands on the keys to Number 10, although he had hoped he’d be getting them for being Prime Minister and not as its janitor.
Sir Keir Starmer finally gets his hands on the keys to Number 10, but then immediately regrets accepting the invitation to the Key Party.
Sir Keir Starmer finally gets his hands on the keys to Number 10, a cruel twist of irony as he begins his first day at Timpson’s.
Gareth Southgate is awarded Knight Companion in the Order of the Thistle, Scotland’s highest honour, following England’s exit at the Group Stages of Euro 2024.